Recently, my friend Christina (now 10% less bitey) blogged
about some of the weird gifts she’s received on first dates, including a weird
little Thai voodoo doll thing made from nails tied together. It has a ball of
yarn for a head and a cute little bow in its… “hair.” It’s really an original
piece of creep, you should head
on over there and check it out.
This post sparked a lot of discussion about whether it is appropriate
to bring a gift on a first date, and, if so, what sorts of gifts are
acceptable. I, personally, have been the recipient of, on one occasion, a
single red rose (was nice, but I didn’t think much of the guy and wound up
throwing it away), and, on another, a small stuffed animal (I’m too old for
toys, a fact that escapes many. My friend’s kid really liked it though).
Neither of these gifts swayed me one way or another in my feelings toward the
giver. Neither, however, seemed designed for use in syncretic folk-magic
rituals, so there’s that.
1) According to some people, the origins
of modern dating go back to the medieval European tradition of courtly love. Marriage in
that time and place was used as a type of business transaction, intended to
further both families’ financial interests, as well as a way to cement
political alliances between families. Love had nothing to do with it. But you
knew all of that, because you’re so smart.
The principles of courtly love stated that true love
happened outside of marriage, and must be conducted in secret between lovers
who would adhere to a strict code
of conduct as the relationship progressed through various stages to “consummation.”
There is some scholarly debate as to whether courtly love was actually a thing
that people
did in real life, or whether it was just an artistic convention used in
poetry and song. There is still more debate as to whether courtly love was, in
fact, used as a
cover for adulterous affairs, or whether it was a means of chastely
expressing one’s spiritual admiration of a beautiful lady. I don’t know about
you, but I, for one, am absolutely certain that, just like lovers of today,
lovers of the Middle Ages were content to exchange declarations of love and
tokens of devotion without ever dreaming of
doing something as awful as sex.
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| Not pictured: Sexy times. Probably. |
2) Dating as we know it today didn’t begin to evolve
until after 1700. That was when people the world over began to move away from
the belief in marriage as a necessity and in wives, in general, as a form of
property. While it would take a few centuries for women to gain equal rights to own property and
work, and while women today still don’t
earn as much as their male counterparts, people slowly decided that freedom
of choice was crucial to deciding when, whether, and who to marry.
While most people think of 18th and 19th
century dating as a courtship ritual in which young ladies receive young men at
home with the supervision of their mother or another older female chaperone,
this was common practice only among the upper and aristocratic classes. The
lower classes, whose homes were less suited for entertaining, went right ahead
and just went out together like the regular, not-snooty (snootless?) people
that they were.
3) Bundling
was a tradition that is believed to have originated in Britain or the
Netherlands, in which a courting couple were allowed to share the same bed,
ostensibly so that they would have time to get to know one another without
being forced to stand around outside in the cold. A “bundling board” would
sometimes be placed between the erstwhile lovers to keep them from sexing it
up. Sometimes the young people were wrapped up tightly in sheets or quilts. It may also have been acceptable to tie the young lady’s legs together.
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| "Why has the rope been cut?" |
From about 1750 to 1780, bundling was a very
popular custom in colonial America, where it was practiced not just among courting
couples but among travelers and their hosts. Families would allow travelers to bundle
with their wives and daughters, using the practice as an excuse to rent out
half a bed and thereby earn some extra money. The practice was especially common
among the lower classes, who saw it as a way to save candles and firewood
without necessarily having to put a stop to the evening’s socializing, and who also
couldn’t afford that many beds anyway.
In no way did these travelers take advantage of the ladies whose
beds they shared, wink wink, nudge
nudge. Nineteenth century author and historian Washington
Irving claimed “that wherever the practice of bundling prevailed, there was
an amazing number of sturdy brats born . . . without the license of the law, or
the benefit of clergy.” An old man, speaking to his grandchildren about the
practice, is said to have remarked, “What is the use of sitting up all night
and burning out fire and lights, when you could just as well get under kiver
and keep warm. Why damn it, there wasn't half as many bastards then as there
are now!”
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| Indeed. |
4) In olden times, suitors presented their intended brides with
intricately carved wooden spoons known as “lovespoons.” The lovespoons
were intended to display the suitor’s practical woodworking skills to the
intended and her family, and, in some cultures, to serve as wedding gift or a
symbolic part of the bride’s trousseau. Though the oldest known lovespoons date
back to the late 1600s, it is believed that the tradition may be much older. Though
the lovespoon tradition appears to be most famously tied to the Welsh culture,
it also appears in many
other cultures all over Europe and Africa. In France, people wore wooden
spoons to weddings. In Romania, Scandinavia and parts of Africa, two decorative
spoons are carved from one piece of wood, with a wooden chain linking them
together. These linked spoons may form part of a traditional ritual in which
both partners eat from the same bowl to symbolize their union.
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| These spoons are Irish. ~Immanuel Giel |
In Wales and other parts of Europe, lovers carved traditional symbols
like four leaf clovers, horseshoes, lover’s knots, anchors (which were
preferred by sailors), keyholes or locks, vines, birds, sheaths of corn, acorns
or oak leaves. My personal favorite, a German spoon from 1664, has little
people on it:
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| Fuck yeah Germany! ~B. Deneke |
5) Here’s one I really didn’t believe, but appears to be true.
Puritan lovers used “courting sticks” to speak to each other while courting in
the presence of the girl’s parents and all seventeen of her siblings. They were kept strictly separated and forced
to whisper
to one another through a six to eight foot long hollow wooden tube, for
fuck’s sake.
This 1954
newspaper column hilariously calls for a resurgence of the courting stick
as a means of getting teenage girls off the telephone for a change. It also
seems to suggest the courting stick as a means for family members to talk to
each other while watching television, so that they don’t disturb anyone else.
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| I couldn't find a picture of one, so here's the spoon again. |
