Monday, December 10, 2012

Christmas Gifts that Sucked

Every year at Christmastime, people around the world gather together to celebrate the birth of Jesus/winter solstice/school holidays/Hanukah/Kwanzaa/the day off from work, and part of that celebration involves exchanging gifts. Of course, buying a gift for someone else can be harder than it sounds. It’s often difficult to know what someone else will enjoy, especially if, like me, you spend the rest of the year avoiding the people you must now buy gifts for, or you’ve got one of those “man who has everything” situations to deal with.

Hint: The man who has everything wants a singing fish. Go get him one right now. ~Toby Dylan 

Over the years, I’ve gotten my share of Christmas gifts that kinda sucked. Seriously, I’d rather get nothing than:

Clothes That Are Too Big

It seems like every time someone gives me clothes for Christmas, they’re too big. I don’t mean they’re a size too big. I mean I wear a small/medium and I get an XXXL. When I point out that the clothes are much too big, I get an irritated “Well you weren’t always so thin you know Marjorie” in response.

Actually, I was, bitch.

A Bottle of My Elderly Aunt’s Favorite Perfume

More than once in the past, my oldest aunt has given me a bottle of her favorite perfume for Christmas. I’m not sure if she genuinely thinks I like the perfume, if she isn't aware that other types of perfume exist, or if she simply wants me to re-gift the perfume back to her the following year.

Every year for Christmas, my oldest aunt gets a bottle of her favorite perfume.

Some Bright Red Hooker Lipstick

I got this when I was twelve, and it was “time [for me] to start acting like a lady.”

As far as I'm concerned there are only two shades of lipstick -- "Streetwalker" and "Serial Killer."

Twenty Pounds of Knitting Wool

To be fair, I had asked for some knitting wool that year. I see now that I should have been very, very specific about what I meant by “some.”

Overboard: You went there.

A World Almanac for the Year 1996

To be fair, it was 1996 when I received this gift. It was still kind of a weird thing to get.

My grandma gave it me “because [I was] always calling and asking questions.” She had a set of encyclopedias, which were these things we used to look up information in before there was an Internet.

You've probably never heard of them. ~ Surya Prakash S.A.

For the record, I don’t think I ever managed to find any useful information in the almanac. I was 14, so it wasn’t like I was getting in pub arguments every weekend.

A Washcloth and a Bar of Soap

Really, guys? Really?

Cherry Cordials

When my granddad was alive, bless him, he used to buy everyone the same gift every year – a box of cherry cordials. I, for one, always hated cherry cordials. I should have known he was on his last legs the year he unexpectedly broke the lifelong cherry cordial pattern and gave me twenty bucks instead.

R.I.P Grandad