Monday, December 10, 2012

Christmas Gifts that Sucked

Every year at Christmastime, people around the world gather together to celebrate the birth of Jesus/winter solstice/school holidays/Hanukah/Kwanzaa/the day off from work, and part of that celebration involves exchanging gifts. Of course, buying a gift for someone else can be harder than it sounds. It’s often difficult to know what someone else will enjoy, especially if, like me, you spend the rest of the year avoiding the people you must now buy gifts for, or you’ve got one of those “man who has everything” situations to deal with.

Hint: The man who has everything wants a singing fish. Go get him one right now. ~Toby Dylan 

Over the years, I’ve gotten my share of Christmas gifts that kinda sucked. Seriously, I’d rather get nothing than:

Clothes That Are Too Big

It seems like every time someone gives me clothes for Christmas, they’re too big. I don’t mean they’re a size too big. I mean I wear a small/medium and I get an XXXL. When I point out that the clothes are much too big, I get an irritated “Well you weren’t always so thin you know Marjorie” in response.

Actually, I was, bitch.

A Bottle of My Elderly Aunt’s Favorite Perfume

More than once in the past, my oldest aunt has given me a bottle of her favorite perfume for Christmas. I’m not sure if she genuinely thinks I like the perfume, if she isn't aware that other types of perfume exist, or if she simply wants me to re-gift the perfume back to her the following year.

Every year for Christmas, my oldest aunt gets a bottle of her favorite perfume.

Some Bright Red Hooker Lipstick

I got this when I was twelve, and it was “time [for me] to start acting like a lady.”

As far as I'm concerned there are only two shades of lipstick -- "Streetwalker" and "Serial Killer."

Twenty Pounds of Knitting Wool

To be fair, I had asked for some knitting wool that year. I see now that I should have been very, very specific about what I meant by “some.”

Overboard: You went there.

A World Almanac for the Year 1996

To be fair, it was 1996 when I received this gift. It was still kind of a weird thing to get.

My grandma gave it me “because [I was] always calling and asking questions.” She had a set of encyclopedias, which were these things we used to look up information in before there was an Internet.

You've probably never heard of them. ~ Surya Prakash S.A.

For the record, I don’t think I ever managed to find any useful information in the almanac. I was 14, so it wasn’t like I was getting in pub arguments every weekend.

A Washcloth and a Bar of Soap

Really, guys? Really?

Cherry Cordials

When my granddad was alive, bless him, he used to buy everyone the same gift every year – a box of cherry cordials. I, for one, always hated cherry cordials. I should have known he was on his last legs the year he unexpectedly broke the lifelong cherry cordial pattern and gave me twenty bucks instead.

R.I.P Grandad


  1. I'm pretty sure I'd hate the knitting wool the most. No way in hell I'd ever have a use for that.

    1. I do crochet but not that much! I ended up giving most of it away.

  2. fuckin cherry cordials are the shit

  3. Too funny :) The gifts I hate the most are clothes that are too small - not only can I not use the gift, but it does the opposite of its purpose and makes me feel bad.

    1. I guess the too-big clothes are supposed to make me feel guilty for being thin? I dunno.

  4. could always diy the big clothes and the yarn is always awesome...i wish i'd get that...almanac...awww really? that's awful! lol...i remember i used to love those things lol

    1. Well, I'm not a big DIY person. Especially when the garments appear to have been designed for an 80-year-old lady's trip to church. :P

  5. This. This is why I only gift shop at the dollar store.

  6. Oh it is fun to go back over all of the really stupid gifts we've received! I myself have a shit list that I love to review each year;). The cherry cordial is pretty bad, but coming on the heels of the old lady perfume and xxxxL clothing, it just starts to seem like you are doing gift exchanges with narcissists and shameless re-gifters. The collective word for these people is "family" and I find that a little shot of this and a bigger bottle of that can make up for all of the disappointment.

    1. This is why more people check into rehab around Christmas, isn't it?