Black Friday is upon us, everybody. Thanksgiving is supposed
to be the quintessential American holiday, but, with its emphasis on family
togetherness and appreciating what we have, it doesn’t really meet the festive
American need to be financially crippled and deeply in debt. So here we are,
the very next day – or, in some cases, the
same day – or, in some other cases, days
before – ringing in the Christmas season by buying overpriced, low-quality
goods for people who don’t need them, and who, for their part, probably
secretly hate us.
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| It feels like this. |
Funnily enough, everyone I know claims they don’t
participate in Black Friday. Of course, that could just be because everyone I
know is awesome.
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| Love you guys. |
1) People have been waiting in line for the best deals at a
Best Buy in California since THE
FREAKING TWELFTH OF NOVEMBER. That’s two freakin’ weeks, you guys. In a
tent. On the sidewalk. In November. Sponge-bathing in a Wendy’s toilet. For two
weeks.
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| What if, after all that, you overslept? ~ Jesus Rodriguez |
2) Retailers like to claim that the term “Black Friday” came
about because retail outlets, the poor things, operate at a loss for most of
the year, and that they all rely on this one single day of the year to turn a
profit and rescue themselves from bankruptcy. This, of course, is bullshit. Retail
outlets turn a profit all year long.
While there are several theories as to the origin of the
term “Black Friday,” the most popular one is that Philadelphia taxi drivers,
bus drivers and police officers coined
the term in the 1960s, in reference to the hell-raising traffic jams that
occurred in commercial areas on this, the first day of the holiday shopping
season.
Retailers started peddling their fake “Black Friday” origin
story in the 1980s, for fear that the original connotations of the term could
hurt business.
3) That said, shoppers spend unholy sums of money on Black
Friday. This year, shoppers are expected to spend no
less than $11 billion on Black Friday alone, which will make up only ten
percent of total holiday sales in the U.S. Many of these people have only just finished
complaining about the $2 billion price tag on Romney and Obama’s collective
presidential campaigns.
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| Perspective: We doesn't have it. ~ Lars Ploughman |
4) Lots of people are boycotting
Black Friday this year, for various reasons. Some are upset that many large
retailers, like Wal-mart, Target and Kohl’s, opened on Thanksgiving evening or
at midnight last night, forcing their employees to work on the holiday or work
crazy hours for the sake of some profit that no one really needs. Others
disapprove of the rampant capitalism and commercialism that takes place in
shopping centers everywhere, as 135 million people head for the shops. Still
others are legitimately afraid that they or their children will get trampled to
death, as
Wal-Mart employee Jdimytai Damour was in 2008, or pepper
sprayed by another frantic shopper, as were 20 people (including children)
in a Black Friday crowd at an L.A. Wal-Mart last year.
Black Friday violence
isn’t at all uncommon; last year in a Pittsburgh mall, female
shoppers fought physically over yoga pants, and just this very afternoon, two
people were shot at a Wal-Mart in Tallahassee, Florida.
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| The Christmas spirit. |
5) According
to Mother Nature Network, the real best time to get holiday deals isn’t the
first few days of the holiday shopping season, but the last few. Retail
consultant Jim Bieri claims that shoppers can get further discounts of 10 to 15
percent off holiday sale prices during the last few days before Christmas.
6) Black Friday is billed as the biggest shopping day of the
year, but it’s not. The
real biggest shopping day of the year is usually the last Saturday before
Christmas, unless Christmas itself falls on a weekend, in which case, the
biggest shopping day will usually be the last Thursday or Friday before the
holiday.
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| See you there. |
