Monday, November 26, 2012

5 Things that Piss Me Off Beyond All Sense of Reason

There are plenty of things I can't stand and things I'm getting really sick of, but they don't necessarily send me into a blind rage. These things, on the other hand, do.

1) My Mother

Momma gave me life and nurtured that life, and because she did this, she has the ability to send me from calm to enraged in about three seconds flat. She knows where my buttons are, and exactly how to push them. Why wouldn't she? She installed most of them.

"The one on the left makes her scream for some reason." ~ Brian Snelson

2) Stupid People

Contrary to popular belief, I do not hate men. But stupid people, on the other hand, make me wanna puke in my own cupped hands, just to have something to throw.

Momma used to say, “It's not their fault they're stupid,” but neverthe-f*cking-less. Some of these f*cking people.

I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill stupid person who confuses “your” with “you're.” I'm not a Grammar Nazi; I know what you damn well meant.

I'm talking about the kind of epically stupid person who lets a newborn baby starve to death because they wanted to feed it a vegan diet. Apparently, human breast milk exploits animals, now.

Or the type of stupid person who handcuffs himself to a girl because she wouldn't go out with him.Learn to handle rejection, dude.

Or even the type of stupid person who buys an iPad from some dude on the street, only to find out later that it's a slab of painted wood.

You had that coming, you know.

3) Pop Music

Especially those drawn-out, whiny songs with lyrics which, when you listen to them, don't seem to make sense. I mean, they sound nice and all, when you're sort of half-listening on the drive home from work. Then again, I'm always ruining great songs by listening to them – like that Cat Stevens song “Wild World.” Listen to that sh*t closely sometime. The guy's a f*ckin' asshole.

Maybe they're not meant to be listened to; maybe that's where I'm going wrong. I should go back to writing grocery lists in my head.

4) Your Favorite Band

No doubt falls under the former category, and even if it doesn't, it sucks. Turn that crap off, before I throw my puke on you.

5) Snoring

Of all the things to hate in this world, I hate snoring most. It's not that it keeps me awake, it's that it disembowels my brain with a red-hot ice-pick. I find myself filled with Zeus-like wrath, for no good reason at all. Honestly, it's completely irrational. Snoring pisses me off even when I've no intention of trying to sleep. If I'm at a party, for instance, and there's some dude snoring on the couch, I will totally pinch his nose closed. Serves him f&cking right.

I hate snoring even when animals do it. I've become irate with sleeping dogs, for f*ck's sake.

Best to let them lie, really. ~ Jennie Faber

In a cruel twist of Fate, almost every man I've ever dated snored like the devil all night long. So I guess this belongs on the “Reasons I'm Single” list, really.