Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Top 3 Things I Don't Wanna Discuss

Of course, no matter what I say, you're still going to try to draw me into a discussion about:

Your Politics

Unless, of course, they're the same as mine, which they're not, because if they were, we wouldn't be discussing them. Have you ever noticed that? You never talk politics with someone who agrees with you. You just sort of nod at each other and then move on to subjects that you're not both f*cking sick of yet.

As with most things, there is an exception – I will be happy to explain how living with socialized healthcare did not make me (or anyone else that I knew, including the 100-year-old lady downstairs who walked with two canes) keel over and die. I'm sure you'll find that fascinating.

Please put down the holy water, I'm not going to bite you. Much.

Your Religion

Specifically, I don't wanna hear about how persecuted you are because you love Jesus. If you're a Christian in America, you're not f*cking persecuted. Our schoolchildren are still asked to pledge allegiance to your god every morning, for f*ck's sake, that's like the opposite of persecuted. I think the word I'm looking for is "privileged."

Now, before you get all up on your high horse about Jesus-bashing and start waving around pictures of the crippled soldiers who fought for your right to be an a**hole, let's establish what it means to be persecuted. You're not persecuted just because others disagree with you, or fail to let you push them around, or go on the Internet and talk about how stupid they think you are. You're persecuted when founding a home church is punishable by execution. You're persecuted when you're beaten to death for praying. Until something like that happens to you, shut up. You're not persecuted. You're just a douche. 

The world is not your teenager; it is not your job to correct it. ~ Sister72

On the other hand, if you're knocking on my door to bring me the Good News about Ishnarth, God of Crappy Snow with Ice and Dirt in It, come right in. That sounds fascinating.

Your Conspiracy Theories

Everyone who knows me knows I hate conspiracy theories, but I still keep hearing, “I know you hate conspiracy theories, but just listen to mine.” All those other conspiracy theories are clearly bunk, but your theory of how JFK's brain was abducted by lizard-beings from the planet Nibiru, who traveled to Earth in their invisible fusion-powered rocket ships, makes perfect sense.

I hate to be the one to piss on your fireworks, but your conspiracy theories are bullsh*t. I know it's tempting to blame everything that's wrong with the world on the evil machinations of a top-secret cabal of rich bald white men who meet in a top-secret bunker somewhere, probably under the Rockies, every Thursday night at 8:00 PM, sharp, and take turns bringing the donuts. I'll tell you what's really going on, and here it is: Bad things are happening, ALL BY THEMSELVES.