Thursday, August 9, 2012

5 Things I'll Do If I Lose My Mind

I should probably say “when.”

Buy a Pug

I hate dogs. I hate that you have to teach them not to sh*t wherever they happen to be standing. I hate barking. I hate wagging. I hate playing fetch. I hate obedience and I can't stand unconditional love.

I don't mind walkies. Those are okay.

That said, I've always kinda wanted a pug. They're just such precious, snuffly little bastards.


Purchase Any of These Items


If any of you ever buys me a tiny, paisley hammer, I'm going to bury it right between your eyes.

Those are pink flamingos embroidered on those trousers, if you couldn't tell.

Admittedly, the large bottles are kinda cool. Every time I go into an antique shop, I feel a little sympathy for compulsive hoarders. I won't become one, though, because I'm not the kind of person who keeps useless things around, unless they are cats.

Hoard Cats

The pug's gonna hate that.

"Fuck you [snort, wheeze, snuffle] bitch." ~  Piotr Czerniawski 

Vote Republican

I'd be concerned about that statement pissing some people off, but something tells me they aren't here with us today.

Move to an Ashram in India

Or maybe Colorado, since it's closer and I won't need a visa. Does anyone know if India gives out “white pampered spiritual pilgrim” visas? Do they give them to Republicans? Can I bring the pug?

He can do yoga.

I guess I'll have to ditch the 75 cats and the floral garden tools, though. One must surrender all attachments to achieve enlightenment.

Plus pink flamingos are a sin. I think.

(Btw I'm sorry I haven't blogged in like two months. I had to test your loyalty cause I'm insecure and manipulative. That's a lie, it's actually cause I'm lazy and I suck. I promise to do better in the future. At least until I don't.)


  1. Haha, I sure hope you never lose your mind - the pug is fine but the 'Republican'? I don't see that happening. Welcome back ;)


    1. I'll name him "Roosevelt." Yeah, that's a good name for a pug.

  2. If those big bottles are filled with liquor, I'd put that in the useful category.

  3. fucking esp. I woke up in the middle of the night and i kept tossing and turning, thinking "Where is Marge? Is she okay" and wtf,I got up and turned up the computer and there you are. Right out here smack in the middle of Kansas at some godforsaken hour of the night. God, give me a break.

  4. I saw no reference to smoking (or NOT smoking) and I find that worrisome, along with trying to distract your readers with pugs doing yoga in the bushes.

  5. I'm allergic to pugs. Seriously, no other dog on the planet has ever stirred up my allergies, but pugs do it every time. Just how far will you go to ward me off, woman??? *hides paisley hammer and wrapping paper*.

  6. Welcome to the back! Or, backing of the welcome!

  7. I have a paisley hammer, but no dog, flamingo trousers, or worthless collectibles. My cat has thumbs. Can we still be friends?

    1. How does your cat have thumbs? Are they opposable?