That's right, kids, the
Bitchery Triad is back (finally!) with more ménage-à-trois
bitchery action from the three of us. Cause you can never have too
much negativity, I always say.
After (entirely too) much
debate, we settled on today's topic, “things you shouldn't say to
me.” I have a feeling their things are going to have to do with
single-ness and mom-ness, for some reason.
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Hmmm... |
Don't forget to go read
Solitary Mama's post here, and when you're done with that, go read
Bubblegum Cari's post here.
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Go ahead, I'll wait. |
Sweet, you're back. Ok, I'll
just go ahead and lead into this by saying there are plenty of things
I can't stand people to say to me, but these are the ones that you
really, really shouldn't say to me. If you say any of these things to
me you are taking a massive risk. The consequences of that risk
depend on my mood (which in turn depends on the phase of the moon, ha
ha), my blood sugar level, the nature and quality of our personal
relationship, and other miscellaneous circumstances, including but
not limited to the length of the check-out line at MallWart and the
date of my last sexual conquest. If you say any of these things to
me, I might:
- Glare nastily at you
- Stop taking your calls, and/or lose your number
- De-friend you from Facebook
- Complain about it behind your back to anyone who will listen FOR THE REST OF TIME
Contrary to what you might
think, being a close friend or relative offers no guarantee of
protection from any of these consequences. In fact, being a close
friend or relative may well guarantee the most severe consequences,
since, as I'll mention repeatedly to anyone who will listen, you
should've known better.
Here,
without further ado, are the top five things you shouldn't say to me,
or else:
5)
“I'm deleting you from my Facebook because...”
Oh,
you wanna delete me from your Facebook? Fine. Go ahead. No problem.
Just don't notify me or offer me any explanations. Why? Because if
you don't, I'll never even notice that you're gone, you self-centered
douchenozzle.
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4)
“What are you doing? Still
writing? Oh, don't worry, I can get you a job.”
Ok,
maybe I haven't been clear. Let's go over this again.
Pay attention this time:
Writing.
Is. My. Job.
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Unbelievable, I know. |
That's
right, writing. Is my job. All by itself. I write stuff – web
content and advertising copy – and I give it to people –
companies and such – and then they give me money. I use that money
to pay my bills and buy things, just like you do with the money from
your job.
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Gasp! |
I
love writing and I'm good at it, and I love that people pay me to
write, so that I can make a living doing what I love and what I'm
good at. It doesn't matter that the writing isn't particularly
creative or artistic or, ahem, “revolutionary,” because it's the
act of writing itself I enjoy, not the ego boost I get from “being a writer.”
Besides,
the ego boost kinda dissipates when you graciously offer me
part-time, minimum-wage work, as if my career, my clients and my
successes mean nothing.
3)
“But, you should be writing something creative and personal, just
for you!”
And
you should be minding your own business. Weren't you paying attention
before?
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Now why would I think you were? |
I
know you've got some romantic idea of what it's like to be a writer.
You'd rather have me working some soul-crushing, low-paying job
whilst I struggle to squeeze out a brilliant novel that will finally
make it all worthwhile.
I've
been down that road before. I'd tell everyone how I aspire
to be a writer someday
and they'd all nod and trade knowing looks, because who the hell
doesn't? As an added
bonus, I'd get to be secretly (ok, loudly and openly) resentful about
wasting my God-given talent and dammit I know I'm better
than that.
Or
I can keep doing it my way, which means I get to feel fulfilled
whether or not I ever
win the publishing lottery and actually make a living from writing something creative and personal, just for me.
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Pictured: The chances of that happening. |
Of
course, I know why you're saying that. You're writing a 7,000-page
novel and dreaming about how one day it'll be a best-seller and
you'll travel the world on your yacht, never needing to work again.
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Well guess what, I get seasick. ~Pline |
2)
“But, you make your own hours!” *
pout
* * pout *
I
always get this one when someone wants me to blow off my work for
them, like if they want me to come get ice cream and it's not my
lunch break, or something.
To
which I will respond with some variation of, “Yeah, and I'm making
them right now,”
because yes, I do my
make own hours – and you don't.
Believe
it or not, I do have a certain amount of work to get done each day,
and it's not gonna happen if I don't stick to some kind of a
schedule. You think
that “making my own hours” means I'm free to do whatever I like
whenever I like, and oh, yeah, I might do some work if I can fit it in later.
If
you're wondering why you're not the boss at your own place of work,
this is why.
I
have a more flexible work schedule, but that doesn't make being
available to you a priority. I have a right to plan my own day and
you need to quit with the guilt trips.
1)
“OH MY GOD, ARE YOU PREGNANT?!?”
No,
I'm just getting fat, you stupid b*tch.
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ProTip: Never ask a woman if she's pregnant -- EVEN IF SHE'S GIVING BIRTH. |