Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Scary Toys of MallWart

So, a couple of weeks ago I was bored on a Sunday night, so I decided to go hang around in Wal-Mart for a couple of hours. Because I live in West Virginia, and we'll get a decent pub in about another forty years or so.

And when we do, it'll look like this. ~ dok1

Sheer desperation forced me to Use My Imagination, just like when I was a kid. As you may have noticed, I've gotten really good at it.

Growing up here will do that to you.

So I wondered over to the toy section, where imagination springs to life, or goes to die, depending on your lifetime level of exposure to Hippie-fied Ideas and, of course, the strength of your natural immune response. Here are some of the toys I found:

Oversized Head Dolls.

I know you can't really tell from the picture, but these dolls have heads the size of baseballs. WTF, dude.

Speaking of oversized heads:

Gah. Look at the lips on that thing.


I was never real big on girlie toys, perhaps because they're so freakin' creepy.

Baby Alive? Looks like Baby Undead to me, actually.

Disney: Where every princess has the exact same face...

...except for Ariel, who seems to have developed a peanut allergy...

...and Cinderella, who also has a rather oversized head.

Barbie's really starting to show her age...

...and seems to have dumped Ken for his grandson.

Seriously, you guys, he looks about 17. Can anyone say, "Jailbait Barbie?"

Also, this:

I don't think the Dynasty Barbies are for kids.
I don't think these are for kids, either. At least, I hope not.

I was verbally assaulted by a Sesame Street character...

Haunted Elmo, sponsored by the letter F.

...and then I found these, which I'm not even sure I wanna know about:

Did I mention lips already? *shudder*

The Easy-Bake Ovens are super futuristic:

Reminds me of The Jetsons.

And we might as well prepare our kids for the zombie apocalypse...

...whether they're as good as zombified...

...or not.


  1. hahaha...the toys really are all creepified. Nothing is as simple as it used to be.

  2. I was looking at your comment about lips, thinking OMG its eyes! And then you commented on the eyes as well LOL

    My daughter has a doll which makes crying sounds. No I did not buy it. yes I want to shoot the person who did. It's just creepy. especially when it does it and you have your back to it and there's no one in the room but you...

    I'm all for Lego dragons and knights whose heads come off.

    1. I wouldn't let myself be alone in the room with that thing.

  3. LOL this is amazing. I got drunk and bought a £5 barbie from the spermarket ont he way home with the intention of "making clothes for it" (seriously, never drinking tequila again) - when I got home and decided to straighten its hair it all fell out, so now I have a half melted creepy barbie sitting on my dresser that i'm too scared to chuck away in case I have a chucky episode on my hand lol xx

  4. LOL! This was awesome. I haven't meandered down the toy aisle in a while. Now I know what lies there...waiting for me.

    1. For the day when you have KIDS OF YOUR OWN! [Jaws theme]

  5. I know all that crap because I bribe my kids and let them have two minutes in the toy aisle if walk swiftly and we get everything on the list. Totally creepy. Even the game aisle. When there are 26 version of Monopoly, I'm done.

  6. LOL! Those toys are for sure creepy.

  7. So your child has outgrown his toys. There just doesn't seem to be enough space in his room for his birthday gift toys. How about the basement or attic? Is there space there to pack up and store his toys?

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