Monday, January 2, 2012

Things That Kinda Bother Me

By now, you guys probably think I'm a bitter, angry bitch with a cold, cold heart. I'm not saying I'm not, but I do tend to write more about things I dislike than about things I like. What can I say? There's nothing particularly funny about liking something.

Here are some (more) things that irritate me:

Childish Pajamas

A couple of days ago I went shopping for a pair of pajamas. I didn't think this was gonna be a big ordeal. I said to myself, "I'm going to go into the shop, find a pair of pajamas, and buy them." I thought this might take me about twenty minutes, counting time at the check-out.

Then I get to the shop and find that all the f*cking pajamas have cartoon characters on them. Snoopy. Garfield. Cinderella. Mickey Mouse. Spongebob F*cking Squarepants.

Now, listen here, Corporate America, I am damn near thirty years old. I am not wearing Spongebob Squarepants pajamas. The stupidity would keep me awake.

Then, I found some that looked like this...

...because if you're not seven, you're apparently eighty-five.

I guess I'm supposed to go to bed wearing this...

(Tranquil Garden)

...despite the fact that a) I am planning to sleep, not have sex and b) if I were planning to have sex, I wouldn't bother with the sexy nightie because you know it wouldn't stay on anyway.

They have a way of mysteriously falling off.

Fictional Characters with Really Nice Homes

It's always bothered me when fictional characters have nicer homes than I do, which is always. It's not fair. They're not even real.

But then again, I guess the homes aren't real either. And you can totally tell, because they're always really nice homes. Like, way nicer than the homes of anyone I know. It's like we're supposed to identify with all of these characters on television and in the movies, despite the fact that they're much, much wealthier than us and have soft, pink little girl hands on account of never having worked a day in their lives.

Damn you, Ferris Bueller.

Women Who Aren't Feminists

No offense, ladies, but I don't understand how you can be a modern woman and not be a feminist. Whether you're a career girl, a single mom, a housewife or all three, somehow, it doesn't matter. Your ancestors and peers have fought hard so that you could choose your own lot in life and not be seen as a piece of property. Saying you're not a feminist is like saying you're a piece of livestock, only worse, since even animals have rights.

I've always wondered if women who claim they're not feminists are actually just afraid of scaring their men. I can't find another explanation.


Mangagement Rings

That is, engagement rings for men. As in you, a woman, are expected to get down on your cute little knee, whip out a jewelry box and propose f*cking marriage.

If you really wanna scare your man, this would be a good way, ha ha ha.

Believe me, it feels a bit weird to put this entry right after the entry about feminism, but I'm going to do it anyway. I've been out of the country for a few years and I only just heard about this. It freaked me out a little bit. I mean, sure, plenty of other cultures encourage the men to wear engagement rings as well as the women, and in any cause I suppose there's no way around it if you're gay, but this is the United States of America, where we say one thing and do another. Feminism is all well and good, but offering the marriage proposal is the man's job, cause if we ladies started doing it, well, you'd see a lot more random sprinters, that's what.

You might say, “Fair's fair, and if I have to wear one, he should too.” Have it your way, but I see through this engagement ring business. They made this sh*t up to sellmore diamonds during the Depression. It's about as ancient a tradition as sending birthday wishes on Facebook.

Personally, I'm planning to get married in Vegas, whilst drunk, by an Elvis impersonator. I don't wear rings, and you know I can't get away with wearing white. Besides, I hate weddings.

But give me a funeral any day of the week.


  1. Great post as usual. You are a woman after my own heart. I am guilty of professing to not be feminist in the same way that I shy away from the Indie Author tag. It's not because I am not both, but rather, that extremists in both groups make me embarrassed to admit to either. Do I feel inferior to men in any way? Hell, no. But I'm also not like many of my friends who will change their own tire while a perfectly acceptable man stands by and watches, just to prove they can. I KNOW I can change my own tire, I also KNOW that my boyfriend is physically stronger and it's less of a hassle for him. Just seems to make sense to let him do it, and I'm also a bit lazy. :)Cheers and keep those rants coming!!!

  2. You're right. People get killed changing tires.

  3. With you on the jammy jams. That's why I wear regular clothes. Sweatpants and stuff. Plus if I ever want to blend in with the locals I can just get up and go to the store wearing the clothes I slept in.

    Feminism is a tricky one. I try to raise my daughter as strong and independent so she doesn't feel like she has to have a man to be complete. However, I do like men to do manly things such as cooking and cleaning, killing bugs, moving heavy furniture, etc etc. Feminism is sometimes mistaken for wanting to rid the world of men and become men ourselves which is why I think some women are hesitant about claiming such a title.

    And then you're also probably a lesbian too. So there's that.

  4. Yeah, it's a shame people think that about feminists. They never should have come up with those zipper-crotch trousers back in the 70s.

  5. Ladies, you need to quit shopping at baby gap, thats why the pj's don't work for you. And I'm with you about the unrealistic houses on tv. I actually get much angrier about these massive 3 bedroom lofts that people who work at coffe shops own - ahem Friends. I lived in New York for years and uber rich people don't have places that nice.
    happy happy 2012

  6. I was defo thinking about Friends when I wrote that. Happy 2012 to you too. x

  7. I'm a feminist, but I consider it the good of humanity for me to meddle with nothing electronic or DIY house BS.

  8. Ooh, pyjamas! I went nerd on my last sets. they say things like 'Nerds 2 x 2 eva' and 'First there was nothing... then it exploded' and 'what's the speed of dark?'. OK, I AM a nerd, self-confessed.

    Mangagement rings? Pfft, one diamond is expense enough thank you very much!

    As for the wedding, stuff the white. I've been married twice (and I'm barely older than you!) and I didn't wear white either time. Or ivory. Or silver. Or anything remotely close. I went red, baby, red, and the second time I did gold and (gasp!) BLACK! To a wedding. Yes, my own.

  9. Will you marry me?

    Totally with you on the feminism thing - if you haven't checked out Caitlin Moran's How to be a Woman, I think you would like it.

    Feminist and proud over here. You can tell by the fact I identify as female AND have a bank account, an education past the age of 8 and the right to vote!

  10. This is a fabulous post! I'm about to sound ancient saying this, but it makes me so happy to hear someone not even thirty declaring herself a feminist. I've always proudly identified as a feminist, and I'm always so disappointed in women who say they aren't. I'm a stay-at-home mom by choice, and I'm grateful to everything my own mom did that allowed me to make that choice. I hope that someday my daughter grows up to make the best choice for her and her life.

    And as far as pajamas, I've always had the best luck at Costco. :-)

  11. I'm with you on the pyjamas. All. Such. Garbage. Even when I was a child, I didn't want to be smothered by cartoon characters or smiley faces and daisies in my sleep. Why would I want this in my twenties? Why would ANY SANE PERSON WANT TO WEAR THAT AT ALL?

    One reason I really like British television is that it usually does a better job of being realistic than American tv does. Not so flashy flats and poorly lit workplaces and not EVERY SINGLE CAST MEMBER looks like they model on the weekends.

    And I agree, if you're female and not a feminist, uhm ... what?

  12. LOL Thank you guys for commenting! Glad you enjoyed yourselves! Ellen, you probably don't want to marry me, I have a mustache.