Thursday, January 19, 2012

Quitting Smoking: Day One

So, I'm quitting smoking. Again. As the old joke goes, I'm great at quitting smoking, I've done it dozens of times. Ha ha ha.

But seriously kids, for real this time, I'm really, really quitting smoking. I've been smoking for longer than I care to admit, if only because it would upset my mother. I've been telling myself I'm gonna quit since I was 16 years old. Sometime in my early 20s, I decided I would achieve this feat by the time I turned 30. When you're 20, you don't really believe you're ever gonna turn 30.

Well, I'm gonna be 30 in a little over eight months, so it's time to stop talking sh*t and start doing sh*t, or, as the case may be, stop doing sh*t, the sh*t in question being smoking.

This is what I have in mind.

I decided to blog about this because Solitary Momma blogger Christina Majaski encouraged me to. “It will hold you accountable to your readers,” she said. “It could be helpful for others,” she said. “You'd be doing a service to mankind,” she said.

Ok, ok, she didn't say that, I just sort of read it between the lines. In any case I haven't tried writing or blogging about it before, so it might help. I won't be blogging about it every day because I'll be very busy not smoking, but still. Surely all my faithful readers will support me in my cause. 

Lots of people say that cold turkey is the best way to quit smoking, but that's the exact method I've failed at repeatedly in the past, so it's right out. I've also attempted the old cut-down-and-quit method several times, but after a few days of cutting down I lose my resolve and start cutting back up again, so that's right out too.

After some preliminary research, I decided to try the nicotine patch. Several of my friends have recommended it. It doesn't seem to be as effective as its manufacturers would have have us believe, but neither is anything else. The nicotine replacement therapy will, of course, prolong my misery, but it may help to keep those around me entirely out of misery or, failing that, at least alive.

For some reason, I felt compelled to sniff the patch before I put it on. It made me sneeze. It itched like crazy for the first five minutes, but then stopped.

I have also purchased a bag of lollipops (it's a hand-to-mouth thing). You would not believe how difficult it is to find a straight-up bag of lollipops in West By God. Seriously, you guys, it took me like, an hour. I'm not talking any special “quitting smoking” lollipops, I mean just regular lollipops. Apparently nobody buys “just lollipops” anymore, it's all this “assorted candy” sh*t. I was all, mothernuckers, I need something I can hold in my hand and put in my mouth, and then take out of my mouth and hold in my hand. Rinse, lather, repeat. How f*cking hard is that?

I wound up getting Valentine's Day lollipops, which were the only ones I could find. Thank God it's January.

Progress so far:

I hate everybody.

Especially you and you and you.

I keep thinking, “I'd better have a cigarette,” and then remembering I quit.

My breath smells like lollipops.

I've eaten six lollipops since I woke up.

I want another lollipop.

I'm looking better already.



    I more or less went cold turkey when I quit this summer. Of course, I've picked it back up as of like two or three weeks ago, so... fuck me. But I'm curious to see how the patch-and-lollipop thing goes for you. Because if that works, that is the train I'm getting on.

    trains trains trains

  2. Well I think you look absolutely stunning. Congrats on quitting and good luck. I will totally be holding you accountable. Do it for your country. Do it for all mankind.

    I also think u should add various things to your smoking pic. Like next week photoshop in a fish stick or something.

  3. Good for you. I quit five months ago and going strong, using nicotine replacement. Of course, I'm still using nicotine replacement ;) Good luck.

  4. I need something I can hold in my hand and put in my mouth, and then take out of my mouth and hold in my hand.

    I didn't think anything bad. I promise! What? I didn't!

    Haha, good luck, and keep us posted.

  5. love the blogging idea. Good luck in your healthier journey.

  6. I made those exact promises when I was 20, too. Then 30 hit and now 31, and I know I'm overweight, more tired, more blah, blah, blah, because I've let cigarettes have power over me and everything. I'll probably even smoke one when I log off the computer, too. I hate smoking, but I'm hooked. I quit for three days with the patch and I hated everyone, too. I still have 3 boxes of patches, and I'm a heavy advocate for finding a cure for cancer. I even do the walks, and all that jazz...But I still go outside and light one up anytime I want to (which is more often than I care to admit). I ask myself why I'm advocating health and longevity in others but not for myself? I know that makes me an idiot. I need to get some lollipops, too. That oral fixation is a b#tch.

    Anyway, sorry to rant and write a novel in the comments section. This is YOUR blog, not mine, but I just want you to know I empathize with you. I support what you're doing (not that my opinion makes two sh*ts, especially since you're hating everyone at this moment), and I'm cheering for you.

  7. pm me your address and i'll send you a buttload of dum dum lollys. no kidding. they're tiny so you can eat a million a day and not end up in diabetic shock.
    quitting is a wonderful thing. i'm with ya.

  8. Yay! Woohoo! Go Girl! There my encouraging words. Now, go forth and kick smokings ass! It may take a lot of lollipops, but they don't give you cancer. Love ya!

  9. "I need something I can hold in my hand and put in my mouth, and then take out of my mouth and hold in my hand. Rinse, lather, repeat. How f*cking hard is that?" << Great writing, have you ever considered erotica? Heh.

    All right, having never been a smoker, I can relate but not know what it feels like to be in your skin. I've known friends who've quite successfully—cold turkey , and others who've been quitting for the last 20+ years.

    If lollipops work for you, I think you need to write a book about it -- nothing like 1st hand experience to motivate others.



  10. Jail is pretty effective as a means to cut out cigarettes. Maybe if you punch the fattest cop you can find. It oughta give you three days with no access to cigarettes at least.

    But seriously, you have my respect. If only I had your balls.

  11. Thanks you guys. Yes, Derek and Eden, I am well aware of how dirty that sounds. This is a humor blog, is it not? And D, it's my understanding that jail is *dripping* with cigarettes.

  12. Well done. I'm on my 20th day today and starting to feel a bit healthier. Keep up the good work.