Wednesday, January 4, 2012

5 Reasons I'm Smokin' Hot and Why You Can't Have Any

Last week, I was Twittering with fellow bloggers and founding members of the Bitchery Triad, Bubblegum Cari and Solitary Mama. We feel the need to found this club in order to build our online status in the area of Bitchery, but, like any club, the Bitchery Triad requires an arcane rite of initiation.

This three-way link-up is that arcane rite. Yours Truly chose the topic; I was just being a smartass, but they thought it was brilliant. It also gives us the chance to keyword for “smokin' hot,” thereby disappointing a small, but not insignificant, number of porn addicts and, in my case at least, a small but not insignificant number of naked-cat-porn addicts.

Click here to find out why Solitary Mama is smokin' hot and why you can't have any,


Click here to find out why Bubblegum Cari is smokin' hot and why you can't have any.

I Have Amazing Hair

Look at this hair. I ought to be in a shampoo commercial, with hair like this:

Look at this hair. Just look at it.

And look at this. Ya see that?

Those are natural curls, b*tches.

Yeah, I know. Clutch your plank-straight tresses and cry.

Why You Can't Have Any:

It could be one of two reasons:

Get your greasy dirty hands out of my hair you nasty little troll.

Your clean greaseless hands will become hopelessly enmeshed in my gorgeous, gorgeous hair, requiring a haircut to free you. This is unacceptable.

I Am the Sexy Librarian

Normally I present myself in my trademark spectacles, which are either held together with wads of tape or, failing that, awkwardly shaped and somewhat mannish. (What can I say, sometimes the wads of tape get annoying). You will also notice the baggy sweater, the clunky boots and the near-total (okay, usually totally-total) absence of cosmetics.

This sh*t gives you cancer, you know. ~ KaurJmeb

Like Clark Kent becoming Superman, transformation is as easy as a quick change of outfit and a pair of contact lenses. Yes, I know Superman doesn't need contact lenses, shut up. My point was, I can level up from “Kinda Dumpy” to “F*cking Your Boyfriend” in half the time it takes you to force a curl into that plank-straight hair of yours.

Not that I would f*ck your boyfrind... ~ inhisgrace

Not only that, but I understand the Dewey Decimal System, can recommend an enlightening book on any one of a number of topics, and my breasts have their own ISBNs.

Why You Can't Have Any:

Again, it could be one of two reasons:

You wrote on the pages, cracked the binding, and returned the book late. Also, this is a library. Keep your f*cking voice down before I brain you with a dictionary.

A dictionary of Latin. ~ Dr. Marcus Gossler

Or you're one of those people who's never read a whole book all the way through before. If that's not true, I don't see why you would lie. If that is true, I don't see why you would admit it.

I Speak French

Which is the absolute sexiest language anyone can speak. It also means I'm bilingual, which is one more lingual than you've got, probably.

Why You Can't Have Any:

You don't speak French...but you took it in high school so you're going to try it anyway, even though that was fifteen years ago and you haven't used it since. You sound like you're having a stroke, and you don't even know it. You're smiling at me, like you think you're clever.

I Make the Best Damn Roast Chicken You've Ever Tasted

I believe you can't use too much butter, or baste a chicken too many times, so I baste the hell of that sucker because, let's face it, it's had a hard life.

Tender succulence is all it's got left now.

I'm also good at number of other recipes, including Sh*t-I-Forgot-to-Go-to-the-Shops Stew. I'm capable of preparing a savory and non-toxic meal while blind drunk. I can even cook vegetarian and vegan dishes, which is odd, because I'm neither of those things.

Why You Can't Have Any:

You're fat enough as it is.

I Have Great Teeth

I went to a new dentist today. She complimented me on my straight teeth and asked me how long I'd worn braces. I've never worn braces.

I have plenty of room in my mouth for all of my wisdom teeth, which naturally makes me very wise. My teeth are also strong, and happily so, since my fear of dentistry led me to avoid it for many years.

Hush, don't tell the dentist that.

This is excellent from a genetic point of view, since I can produce straight-toothed little children who don't require years of expensive orthodontic procedures to look human. Also, I have a nice smile.

Not that I get much use out of it.

Why You Can't Have Any:

You'll probably give me mouth cancer. This is unacceptable.