Last week, I was Twittering
with fellow bloggers and founding members of the Bitchery Triad,
Bubblegum Cari and Solitary Mama. We feel the need to found this club
in order to build our online status in the area of Bitchery, but,
like any club, the Bitchery Triad requires an arcane rite of
initiation.
This three-way link-up is
that arcane rite. Yours Truly chose the topic; I was just being
a smartass, but they thought it was brilliant. It also
gives us the chance to keyword for “smokin' hot,” thereby
disappointing a small, but not insignificant, number of porn addicts
and, in my case at least, a small but not insignificant number of
naked-cat-porn addicts.
Click here to find out why
Solitary Mama is smokin' hot and why you can't have any,
OR!!!
Click here to find out why
Bubblegum Cari is smokin' hot and why you can't have any.
I Have Amazing Hair
Look at this hair. I ought
to be in a shampoo commercial, with hair like this:
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Look at this hair. Just look at it. |
And look at this. Ya see
that?
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Those are natural curls, b*tches. |
Yeah, I know. Clutch your
plank-straight tresses and cry.
Why You Can't Have Any:
It could be one of two
reasons:
Get your greasy dirty hands
out of my hair you nasty little troll.
Your clean greaseless hands
will become hopelessly enmeshed in my gorgeous, gorgeous hair,
requiring a haircut to free you. This is unacceptable.
I Am the Sexy Librarian
Normally I present myself in
my trademark spectacles, which are either held together with wads of
tape or, failing that, awkwardly shaped and somewhat mannish. (What
can I say, sometimes the wads of tape get annoying). You will also
notice the baggy sweater, the clunky boots and the near-total (okay,
usually totally-total) absence of cosmetics.
This sh*t gives you cancer, you know. ~ KaurJmeb |
Like Clark Kent becoming
Superman, transformation is as easy as a quick change of outfit and a
pair of contact lenses. Yes, I know Superman doesn't need contact
lenses, shut up. My point was, I can level up from “Kinda Dumpy”
to “F*cking Your Boyfriend” in half the time it takes you to
force a curl into that plank-straight hair of yours.
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Not that I would f*ck your boyfrind... ~ inhisgrace |
Not only that, but I
understand the Dewey Decimal System, can recommend an enlightening
book on any one of a number of topics, and my breasts have their own
ISBNs.
Why You Can't Have Any:
Again, it could be one of
two reasons:
You wrote on the pages,
cracked the binding, and returned the book late. Also, this is a
library. Keep your f*cking voice down before I brain you with a
dictionary.
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A dictionary of Latin. ~ Dr. Marcus Gossler |
Or you're one of those
people who's never read a whole book all the way through before. If
that's not true, I don't see why you would lie. If that is true, I
don't see why you would admit it.
I Speak French
Which is the absolute
sexiest language anyone can speak. It also means I'm bilingual, which
is one more lingual than you've got, probably.
Why You Can't Have Any:
You don't speak French...but
you took it in high school so you're going to try it anyway, even
though that was fifteen years ago and you haven't used it since. You
sound like you're having a stroke, and you don't even know it. You're
smiling at me, like you think you're clever.
I Make the Best Damn Roast
Chicken You've Ever Tasted
I believe you can't use too
much butter, or baste a chicken too many times, so I baste the hell
of that sucker because, let's face it, it's had a hard life.
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Tender succulence is all it's got left now. |
I'm also good at number of
other recipes, including Sh*t-I-Forgot-to-Go-to-the-Shops Stew. I'm
capable of preparing a savory and non-toxic meal while blind drunk. I
can even cook vegetarian and vegan dishes, which is odd, because I'm
neither of those things.
Why You Can't Have Any:
You're fat enough as it is.
I Have Great Teeth
I went to a new dentist
today. She complimented me on my straight teeth and asked me how long
I'd worn braces. I've never worn braces.
I have plenty of room in my
mouth for all of my wisdom teeth, which naturally makes me very wise.
My teeth are also strong, and happily so, since my fear of dentistry
led me to avoid it for many years.
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Hush, don't tell the dentist that. |
This is excellent from a
genetic point of view, since I can produce straight-toothed little
children who don't require years of expensive orthodontic procedures
to look human. Also, I have a nice smile.
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Not that I get much use out of it. |
Why You Can't Have Any:
You'll probably give me
mouth cancer. This is unacceptable.