For those of you who don't
know, my favorite book is The Hobbit. I've read it about two
dozen times in English, and a further several times translated into
French, because I figured I'd have it memorized and would learn some
colloquial phrases. But I digress.
I love The Hobbit
because the main character, Bilbo Baggins, rejects social custom and
everything he's ever experienced or learned in order to follow his
heart. He travels halfway across the world, meets lots of interesting
new people, sees exotic new places, and discovers depths of courage
and resourcefulness within himself that he never knew existed. It's
like, the story of my life, y'all, except with dragons and dwarves
instead of hippies and bums.
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| I wish there'd been some dwarves. |
Anyway, the other day I was
tweeting with @cmajaski and @bobbutterbottom about the possibility of
a hot-shirtless-man-baking-cupcakes vlog. Naturally, the men in
question would be tall, musclar, and efficiently waxed, otherwise
it's just another cooking show.
Butterbottom said something
like, “Are you sure you don't want small-boned, diminutive men with
excessive knuckle-hair?” and I replied, “Sounds like you're
describing hobbits,” and then everyone vomited in their mouths a
little.
Well, except for me, but
I've always gone after the short guys anyway.
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| Those stubby little legs make them easier to catch. |
I think a hobbit would make
an ideal life partner. Here's why:
1) He Could Introduce You to
Some Dwarves
And then, if you help them
kill the dragon, they'd give you some gold. Times are hard right now,
and we could all use a little extra fstability. Besides, the price of
gold is through the roof.
2) You Could Give Him a
Drinks Tray Hat, Which Would Be Useful
But also grounds for
divorce, so keep that in mind.
3) Hobbits Like Flowers
And women like flowers. You
can see this would be a match made in heaven.
4) They're Great Cooks
And they always have plenty
of food around, especially cakes. I find it hard to imagine a hobbit
saying things like “Do you really think you should eat that?”
It'd be more like, “Hey, save some of that for me.”
5) You'd Save a Lot of Money
on Shoes
Hobbits don't need shoes,
because their furry feet are self-insulating. You'd have a lot more
room in the shoe budget, and you know what that means – more shoes
for you, lady.
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| All the shoes your little heart desires. |
6) They're Polite, but
Adventurous
There you go, a nice guy who
looks like Elijah Wood and isn't boring. Isn't that what you've been
wishing for all these years?
7) He Could Build You a
Really Cool Underground House
Granted, it would have
really low ceilings, and tiny windows, but it wouldn't be dirty, wet,
or smelly, nor sandy, bare, and dry, but comfortable. Hobbit homes
are single-level, so you wouldn't have to worry about climbing up and
down stairs, especially as you get older. You have to think about the
future, you know.
Plus, you'd save on heating
and air conditioning costs, as I understand these underground houses
are well-insulated and maintain a pretty constant year-round
temperature. And you know what that means...
|
| MORE MONEY FOR SHOES! |
8) You'd Have an Active
Social Live
Hobbits are very fond of
visitors and they never say no to a party.
9) Hobbits Love Clothes
Seriously, they have rooms
and rooms devoted to nothing but their extensive wardrobes. You could
read fashion magazines together, and you know he'd always look smart.
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| Albeit in a medieval peasant kind of way. ~ adplayers |
10) You'd Get to Hang Out
with Gandalf
What could possibly be
cooler than that? Gandalf's like, totally cool. He's also
self-important, manipulative and apparently lacking a steady
wizarding job. I can see how Gandalf would get on some wifely nerves.
He'd be that one asshole friend you can't stand, but have to be
polite to anyway. Perhaps that's why Bilbo never married.
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| Or maybe he just couldn't give up the ring. |
