The New Year is almost upon
us, and in a few days I'll get the opportunity to celebrate one of my
favoritest holidays, New Year's Eve. New Year's has always appealed
to me. It's a chance to start over afresh, which seems to gain
importance with each passing year, as my peers blossom further into
adulthood and I, frankly, do not. Not to mention, New Year's Eve
seems to require the consumption of large amounts of booze, and I can
always get behind that sort of thing.
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| Or in front of it, as the case may be. ~ P. L. Armstrong |
And then, of course, there
are the New Year's resolutions. According to statistics, fifty
percent of American adults will make a New Year's resolution. I will
be one of them. Forty percent of those people will fail before the
month is out. I will be one of them.
Not only do I fail, I usually wind up making things worse. I wind up doing the exact opposite of what I'd intended to do and venture so far off track that it's easier to just stay there and start a new colony.
I keep doing this year after
year, despite my long track record of abject and consistent failure.
Not once have I quit smoking, quit smoking, quit smoking or quit
smoking.
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| I think it's time to change tacks. |
The thing is,
self-improvement is hard, especially when you're a paragon of
perfection and humility, as am I. My flawless logic whispers sensible things like, “You don't
have to start today, you've got the whole year,
you know,” or “Why should you need a public holiday as an excuse
to start bettering yourself? That's lame,” and before you know it, I'm done for.
So,
this year, I'm going to consider some more realistic New Year's
resolutions. There are, after all, only two possible outcomes: 1) my
inevitable success will increase my self-confidence and improve my
life and 2) my predictable failure will lead me to start collecting
cats.
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| BIG F*CKING CATS. ~ Monica Betley |
Here
are some of the New Year's resolutions I'm considering:
I
Will Wax My Mustache More Often
As
much fun as it is to stroke thoughtfully, my mustache is not what
you'd call culturally acceptable. The average man doesn't fancy a
woman with a thicker mustache than his own, and I'm not planning a
career in the circus anytime soon. Don't get me wrong, I've always
tried to keep the facial hair under control. I rip the mustache, and
some of the skin, off my upper lip regularly. I'm not a total
monster.
The
mustache, however, seems to have a mind of its own. It doesn't “grow
back” so much as it “reappears.” One day, I'll be fine, and the
next, whaddya know, I've got a freakin' mustache. I'm going to have
to take more drastic measures.
I've
explained this to the mustache with care and tact, and it seems to
understand. We're hoping for the best.
I
Will Get Plenty of Sleep
Adequate
sleep is crucial to good health, and since I can't seem to quit
smoking, I probably ought to hedge my bets. I can use this one as an
excuse to take more naps. In fact, I think I'll go take one right
now.
Two hours later...
I
Will Refrain from Getting Any Fatter than I Already Am
Over
the past year or so, I've gained about ten pounds. I was going to
resolve to lose those ten pounds, but then I remembered about the failure thing and realized I'd probably just get fatter. Besides, some of that fat has traveled to my bustline, where it is perfectly welcome to stay as long as it likes.
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| No, I'm not going to show you my tits. Perv. |
I
managed not to gain any weight over Christmas, so I'm already on the
right track.
I
Will Smoke More
Tee
hee hee.
I
Will Go to the Dentist
I'm
sure I've already mentioned that I hate the freaking dentist. Power
tools in the mouth, masked man, etc. Well, I've made an appointment
for 3 January. They're going to tell me that all my teeth are rotting
out of my head and that I'm suffering from a systemic tooth infection
that's reached my brain and that I'm actually in a coma and
my entire adult life has been a dream. I'm bracing myself for this.
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| It would explain a lot. |
