The regular apocalypse might
have stood us up last week, but that doesn't mean the Zombie
Apocalypse couldn't still come. If the regular apocalypse does show
up eventually, there will probably be zombies anyway. I seem to
remember reading about that in the Bible, back when I was 12 and
looking for curse words.
Now, when I say “keeping
your head,” I mean, literally. If you can't stay calm when your
friends, neighbors and loved ones become walking corpses ravenous for
your flesh, I can't help you.
In this post, I'm going to
teach you guys how to kill zombies. I would've thought killing
zombies would be common knowledge by now, but I guess I'd be wrong. I
was recently talking to some friends on Twitter, and it became
obvious, through the course of our conversation, that they did not
know how to kill zombies.
I was appalled.
Of course, you take out the
brain or cut off the head, right? Everyone knows that. Well, everyone
knows that now.
Trouble is, it can get more
complicated, depending on what kind of zombies you're dealing with.
Yes, there are different
kinds of zombies. There are:
Stupid Zombies
These are the shuffling,
arms-out, groaning, “Braaaiiins” type of zombies that you see in
most of the films. They are literally the walking dead. Their brains
have rotted out and their bodies will also be rapidly deteriorating
as they go, especially if it's a hot summer day.
 |
| This is an ice cream cone, but you get the idea. ~ Rex Roof |
Apparently they can't even
smell you or anything, because both Zombieland and
Shaun of the Dead
feature human characters who move freely among the undead by
shuffling, moaning, sticking their arms out and, in the case of Bill
Murray, caking on a lot of makeup.
Their
only strengths seem to be, well, literal strength, and total f*cking
scariness. They're not particularly slow, but I bet they'd slow down
a lot once their legs rot and snap off. Until then, you can probably
outrun them, if you're in reasonably good shape. Adrenalin rush, and
all that. Besides, they're stupid, so you could totally outsmart
them.
 |
| Unless you're stupid yourself. |
All you
have to do with this kind of zombie is keep yourself heavily armed,
avoid dense population centers and any other areas where large
amounts of people once hung out (like Wal-Mart), and don't put
yourself in a potential ambush situation. Stay out of wooded areas,
and don't enter any buildings, rooms, blind alleyways or cars without
thoroughly checking them for zombies first.
 |
| Send in a puppy -- if it gets eaten, stay out. ~ NewYorker10021 |
Head for
an easily defensible position on high ground, preferably fortified,
and wait. You'll need food, water, ammunition, and medical supplies.
Don't forget to do the decent thing and save a life or two, cause
you'll also need someone to talk to while you're holed up in there.
Don't save any a**holes, though, cause you'll regret it.
Eventually
all the zombies will either a) freeze to death when winter comes, b)
kill themselves by walking off cliffs or into the ocean or something
because, remember, they're not smart, or c) rot to helpless freaking
pieces. Who knows, they might even eat each other instead of you.
Fast
Zombies
These
are usually less the “walking dead” type of zombie and more the
“infected by a horrible super-virus” kind of zombie. The good
news is, they probably won't be as fast as vampires.
The bad
news is, they probably won't be technically dead, so you may not be
able to count on the rotting thing. All the same safety rules apply,
but also, take up jogging. Now. Before they come for us.
We can
only hope the fast-zombie virus kills its victims quickly and with
certainty, or else you'll have to get used to a world roamed by
super-fast, super-strong flesh-eating monsters.
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| Or maybe they'll recover, and then you can shoot them anyway. ~ Graham Colm |
Smart
Zombies
There's
a very good chance the fast zombies will also be smart zombies. After
all, no one says the fast-zombie virus affects cognitive function.
If
you're up against smart zombies, you will probably have to outsmart
them. If the zombies remain exactly as smart as they were when they
were people, this could be easy, because most people are dumb as
rocks.
 |
| Except for my faithful readers, of course. |
If the
zombies get smarter, however, you're probably f*cked. Especially if
they're also really fast. Cause don't forget, they're also
super-strong.
Same
safety rules apply however – avoid densely populated areas,
Wal-Marts, etc. Learn how to make some really good booby traps, cause
you're going to need to set them once you get to your defensible
area, assuming you make it that far.
If you
find yourself ambushed by really smart, really fast, really strong
zombies, throw some puppies at them. Hope they get distracted long
enough to make a break for it.
|
| We're going to need a lot more puppies. |
You
might try taking the zombie leader hostage, though that sounds like a
really bad plan to me.
Otherwise,
you could kill yourself. Or see how the other half lives. It's really
up to you.
