I'll tell you guys something – I grew up on vampire stories. I was obsessed with that sh*t as a kid. I'm talking Bram Stoker's Dracula, Salem's Lot, The Lost Boys, Nosferatu – the old-school vampires, none of this sparkly crap you get now. No, those were real vampires, the sort you have to kill three different ways to make sure they're dead.
In the past couple of
decades, vampires have become a whole lot less threatening. What used
to be a ruthless predator hungry for our very blood has become a
melodramatic pretty boy who mopes around crying because he just
loves us too much.
That's
exactly what they want you to think.
Vampires
are sexy, and they know it. They're primal beasts ruled by passion.
They have dangerous urges they can't control. They're charming.
They're sophisticated. They have long signatures. And they can
control your thoughts.
Don't
believe the hype. Don't trust these sons of b*tches. The minute you
let your guard down, they will suck your freaking blood.
Here's
what you need to know to stay safe:
Vampires
Cannot – I Repeat, CANNOT – Go Out in the Sun
I don't
care what anyone tells you. I don't care what excuses they make. “Oh,
they can go out in the sun, they're just more sensitive than we are.”
Bullsh*t.
Any vampire worth his coffin will fry to a crisp in direct natural
light, and he knows it. These “sensitivity” stories come straight
out of the vampire propaganda machine.
Vampires
cannot go out in the sun. They can't go out wearing sun block, a
floppy hat, big sunglasses and long sleeves. They can't go out
carrying a parasol. They can't go out on a cloudy day. They can't go
out in the sun. Period.
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| Anyone who tells you different is lying. |
Vampires
Have No Reflections
This is
one of the ways you can identify them. Vampires have no souls, so
they can't see themselves in a mirror, or any other reflective
surface. They don't show up on film, and they can't be videotaped.
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| Those guys in the movies are just actors, after all. |
Vampires
Always Write Their Names Backwards
Like
most very intelligent human beings, vampires tend to underestimate
the intelligence of those around them. The average vampire thinks
he's going to fool us by writing his name backward. Of course, unless
his name is actually Dracula, it will probably work. Just look for
the pale guy with the really weird name.
Vampires Need to Sleep in Soil from Their Original Graves to Remain Healthy
Look for
the pale guy with the weird name who smells like corpse dirt.
Vampires
(Probably) Hate Garlic
There
seems to be some debate over this. Apparently, according to Eastern European folklore, garlic is a catch-all talisman against evil
forces. So, I'm thinking this might work well on really old or
Eastern European vampires, but maybe not so much against a young
vampire from L.A.
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| Maybe shallots? |
Vampires
Hate Crosses
And holy
water, and Bibles, and Christian religious symbols in general. This
is presumably because they're soulless children of Satan, but I can't
help thinking it seems a little unfair to the other religions. If you
don't have a cross, crucifix or Bible handy, try brandishing a statue
of the Buddha. Let me know what happens.
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| Back off, b*tch, or I'll open a can of enlightenment on your ass. |
If That
Fails, Burn It
Few
things, living or undead, can stand up against a flame thrower. It
might not kill the vampire, but it will slow it down.
Vampires
Can't Come in Without Being Invited
So
whatever you do, for the love of God, don't let them into your
house.
Vampires
Can, And Sometimes Must, Be Killed Three Different Ways
You know
there's always going to be some idiot who goes ahead and invites the
vampire in, putting you in danger. Feel free to toss this idiot into
the vampire's arms and make a run for it, but remember that vampires
are ten times stronger than you, ten times faster than you, and also,
they can fly. So you're really only buying yourself about ten seconds
there.
No,
eventually, you're going to have to face the vampire and kill it. At
this point, it's useful to know what kind of vampire you're facing.
Yes,
there are different kinds of vampires. There are stupid vampires and
there are smart vampires.
Stupid
vampires are generally the minions of smart vampires. They're people
who were drained dry, died, and then came back to “life.” They're
like strong, fast zombies who can fly and don't rot. They're usually
relatively young, as vampires go, and you can usually just stake them
in the heart and be done with it.
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| Remember, the heart is on the left side. |
Smart
vampires occur when a vampire feeds from a human without killing, and
then shares some of its blood with that human. They retain human
intelligence; in fact, they usually get smarter as the centuries go
by. They can be a real b*tch to get rid of, especially if they're
really old and powerful.
Whenever
you've got a vampire infestation, what you're probably looking at is
one smart, or “master,” vampire who has created a bunch of other
ones from your neighbors. What you want to do is kill that master
vampire, cause once you kill him, all the vampires he's created will
die.
|
| Neat, huh? |
The trouble is, vampires gain stamina the older they get. So if you're facing a really old master vampire, a stake to the heart might just make it angry.
When
that happens, you have to cut off the head.
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| Keep an axe handy. ~ b.gliwa |
Once
you've got the stake in the heart and the head cut off, you have a
couple of options. You can wait till sunrise, then leave the pieces
of vampire outside. Once they've turned to ashes, you can scatter the
ashes, ensuring that none of the vampire's ghouls (humans under its
control) come along and re-animate it by pouring blood over the
remains.
Your
other option is to drop both head and body into two separate bodies
of running water. Vampires, like other supernatural beings, can't
cross running water, so this effectively paralyzes it.
Van
Helsing recommends that you ashify the vampire and then pour the
ashes into a couple of different rivers.
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| You know, just to be on the safe side. ~ Wamito |
