I recently blogged
about hairless cats, which are among the things that freak me out.
I'd rather caress a bearded water dragon than one of those things,
and bearded water dragons are not what you'd call “cuddly.”
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| Definitely not. |
You might be
surprised to learn that hairless cats are not the only things that
freak me out. Additional entries on this rather long list include:
1) Spiders
I wouldn't say I was terrified of
spiders. Once upon a time I was, but now I've reached an accord with
the spiders. I saw this was necessary in 2002, when I moved
into an apartment infested with big, furry brown ones. They reared up
threateningly when I approached, waving their hairy little forelegs
and looking at me through their thousands and thousands and thousands
and thousands of eyes.
So I killed them all. I launched a
full-on genocide. With bug spray, newspapers, my boot, you name it. I
sucked a particularly big one up in the vacuum cleaner, then spent
the rest of the day convinced that it was alive in there, somehow,
and that it was going to crawl out and get me, in the night.
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| Or send its cousins to avenge it ~ samcatchesides |
With the spiders gone, flies took over
the apartment. Flies, as it turns out, are much harder to kill, and
infinitely more annoying.
So...I accept spiders. As long as they
stay over there, and mind their own business, and don't build
their webs across my bedroom door like that one did.
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| It learned its lesson...the hard way. |
2) Going to the Bank
I shouldn't be afraid to go to the
bank. I know I'm just going to wait in line, like I've done a
thousand times before, until it's my turn, at which point I'm going
to conduct my business, and depart, like I've done a thousand times
before. The teller doesn't leap across the desk and rip
the throat out of every 100th customer. I'm not in any danger.
There's nothing particularly scary about the bank, except I guess for
the threat of bank robbers, which you can't stop thinking about
because all the tellers these
days stand behind bulletproof glass.
3) Any Teeny, Tiny,
Trivial Health Complaint
I'll admit it –
I'm a total hypochondriac. Got a cough? Cancer! Stomachache? Cancer!
Mysterious bruise? DOUBLE CANCER!
I try
not to bring these things up in everyday conversation. Some people
seem to think I'm actually making a really bad joke, and get all
pissy, because “there are people who actually have
cancer, you know.”
Yeah, I do know,
and I'm actually kind of worried that I'm one of them.
Others get all,
“You shouldn't say that, it might happen!”
Logically, I know
that saying a thing doesn't make it happen. If it did, then monkeys
would fly out of my ass right now.
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| Nope, no monkeys. |
But hearing you say
it doesn't help.
My friends know
that I'm just looking for reassurance. I understand they're not
doctors, but I learned a long time ago that doctors will roll their
eyes if you keep asking them about every little thing. That doesn't
mean my friends won't get annoyed if I go on about it constantly. They will, and I know it. I'm crazy, not stupid.
Everyone knows that I'm nuts, but there's no need to make it any
worse. When some a**hole who doesn't even know me asks my friend why
she'd ever want to hang out with a nutter like me, it's probably best
if she doesn't stop
and say to herself, “Actually, I don't know, she's always going on
about having cancer.”
4) Going to the Dentist
Lots of people are afraid of the
dentist. There's the pain, the needles, the freaking power tools in
my mouth, the masked man sticking his fingers down my throat. As if
all that weren't bad enough, I'm terrified the dentist will lecture
me about not using mouthwash or some stupid sh*t like that, and then
I'll feel bad about myself for a couple of hours. That's lame, isn't
it? Of all the scary things about dentistry, the least of them should
be slight and temporary damage to my self-esteem. Especially since
I'll probably die of double-tooth-cancer while I'm still in the
waiting room.
5) Dishwasher-Safe Dildos
Because why? Just, why?!?
Knowing that there are people out there who put dildos in the
dishwasher just makes me freaking shudder. In there with your dishes,
that you're going to eat from. Eeeeeewwwwwww.
Yeah, yeah, I know
the water in the dishwasher is mega-hot and there's no way in hell
any germs or creepy crawlies are gonna come through that alive. It's
just the idea of the thing. It's disgusting. Can't you wash them by
hand? It's just like washing a cucumber.
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| On the other hand, I guess if it's easier to run a whole load... ~ Towsunu2003 |
