Monday, August 22, 2011

Weird Search Keywords I've Encountered on this Blog (So Far)

I know most of you faithful readers get here from my Facebook page, my Twitter feed, or by following along at home. Some of you even take the time to search my blog name or post titles on Google. Others, however, get here by accident. For them, I'm a detour on the road to something useful.

To those people, let me just say...I'm sorry. I don't know the real reason you didn't get a third date (unless you happen to be that one guy I was actually writing about) because I'm not really that good at this love stuff.

My blog stats let me know which search keywords are bringing people to my blog. Most of them are normal and sensible and have to do with me, my name or something I blogged about. Some of them, on the other hand, are bizarre. I know I'm not the only one who gets some weirdos wandering in, cause my colleague Lyn Midnight recently blogged about this exact same thing.

If you want to follow that link and read Lyn's post, I'll wait.

Okay! Welcome back! Here are some of my own bizarre search keywords:

are all women crazy? why don't they like mustaches?

Well, yes, we are, but that has nothing to do with mustaches. It probably has more to do with you.

That said, mustaches are kind of gross when you're making out really heavily. They get all damp, you see.

Sometimes they even get sticky. -- Ayleen Gaspar

goldfish why don't you call me

I'm a fish, b&tch. I don't have lungs!

girls on crutches

Anything's possible, so I suppose there must be some subset of men out there who are sexually attracted to crippled women. After all, there's fat pr0n, granny pr0n, amputee pr0n, girls with glasses pr0n, pregnant pr0n, midget pr0n, mullet pr0n, midget mullet pr0n...well, you get the idea.

military girl on crutches

Crippled soldier pr0n...

average times a two headed snake will appear

This one's odd, because I don't recall blogging about two-headed snakes at any point. I guess I have now.

I went ahead and Googled it, just to see how much digging it took to get to my blog with this keyword. It wasn't on the first page, the second page, the tenth page, the fifteenth page or the twentieth which point I gave up. Somebody is dedicated.

I never found the answer to the question, but I did find out that bicephaly (the condition of having two heads) is more common in snakes than in any other animal, and that a two-headed snake can live for more than 20 years. Snakes (and other animals, for that matter) wind up with two heads in the same way that conjoined twins sometimes do – identical twins occur (that's two sperm fertilizing one egg at the exact same instant) but the embryos fail to split apart completely.

Unlike humans, however, two headed snakes aren't self-aware. They don't realize they have two separate heads. This means that one head might try to go left, while the other one tries to go right. One head might fight the other one for food, not realizing, you know, that it's all going into the same stomach. By the same token, if one head feeds and the other does not, the one that doesn't feed apparently gets confused, since it's not hungry anymore, but it knows it didn't eat.

Which begs the question – how do you tell if a snake is confused?

Looks fine to me... -- Jason Pratt

rapture helmet

When I blogged about the non-rapture, I didn't realize that rapture helmets were a thing. Turns out they totally are a thing. They're not for the people left behind – oh no, screw those heathen f&ckers. They're for the people being raptured, so that they don't concuss themselves on a flock of ducks going up. You'd think God or Jesus or Elijah or somebody would clear the way, but I guess not.

I would've thought that if you're the type of guy who buys a rapture helmet, you're not getting raptured anyway, but I'd be wrong.

Because the MEEK get the f&cking EARTH, that's why. -- NASA