Monday, August 29, 2011


It's been rescheduled. Again. Harold Camping, the worst Rapture-predictor of all time, has pushed back the date to October 21, 2011.

"Oh Holy Abacus, get it right this time." ~ Thomas Claveirole

At first he was saying that we (that is, the heathens left behind) would suffer through five months of Armageddon as described the Book of Revelations. But since there have been scheduling difficulties (God's got a lot on His plate), the Rapture, the Final Judgment and the End of All Things will now be happening all at once, and the Book of Revelations can go f&ck itself.

The Christian Crazies have now decided that the DC earthquake was a sign of the End Times. Because earthquakes just don't happen on the East Coast, you guys. They just don't. Ever.

Except sometimes. Here are some of the “severe” earthquakes that have occurred in Virginia:

  • 9 March 1828 An earthquake epicentered near Roanoke sent tremors all the way to Ohio.
  • 27 August 1833 This one killed two miners, who appear to have been trampled to death by freaked-out other miners, and “visibly agitated” some structures.
  • 29 April 1852 This one, too, occurred near Roanoke and was felt as far away as Philadelphia.
  • 31 August 1861 Another one felt in Ohio.
  • 22 December 1875 This one was on the coast. It broke windows in Richmond and caused, “general alarm,” although I'd imagine not too much, cause they didn't have Facebook yet.
  • 31 May 1897 The largest earthquake in Virginia history, this one was felt in Indiana.
  • 9 April 1918 This earthquake appears to have been comparable in size to the recent one in DC, with a felt area reaching West Virginia, Maryland and Pennsylvania.

There have been lots of them, actually, before and since, but I'm sick of the list now, and I think you get my point.

Except that this earthquake was different, you guys. This one cracked the Washington Monument. And you know what that means!

It means someone has to climb up and fix the friggin' thing, doesn' it? ~ OceanGroveDave
According to Pat Robertson, whom I refuse to call “reverend,” it means God doesn't like us anymore and will be smiting the sh*t out of us very soon. I mean, this is highly symbolic. We're One Nation Under God, right? It says so on the money, right? So that puts Him in charge, right?


Robertston reckons that this earthquake in DC is a sign of the Second Coming of Christ. The ultra-reputable website,, backs him up. Both point out that earthquakes will destroy the Earth in the days before Jesus returns.

Hang on a second...“destroy the Earth?” As in, the whole Earth? I've checked and most of it's still here. It wasn't that big of a quake after all. The monument cracked, it didn't fall down.

It didn't even crack that much. ~ National Park Service

Earthquakes, about the TRUE signs of the apocalypse here!