Tuesday, August 23, 2011

4 More Stupid Things Men Do

It's been a while since I've done any man-bashing on here, but you people seem to like that, so here goes – 4 More Stupid Things Men Do:

1) Assuming All Women Want Kids

Some of us wanted kids from first day we crammed our dollies into their plastic prams and pranced them around the neighborhood. Some of us spend our lives never bothered about it, only to change our minds at 35 for mysterious womb-related reasons.

I understand there's a clock in here somewhere.

Some of us believe we want kids – until we get a good close look at our friend's brats and see how frazzled she's become, and swear off the concept completely. Some of us would rather travel, or have a career, or get drunk and sleep late. Some of us prefer cats...or dogs, I'm not here to judge.

LOL Yes I am.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I can hear it now – “My girlfriend/wife/tormentress said she didn't want kids, and now we have six!” She lied, dumbass. Some guys will say whatever it takes to get a girl into bed, and some girls will say whatever it takes to get a ring. Some of them don't even care whose ring it is. Watch your friggin' selves.

2) Pointing It Out When We Gain Two Pounds

This is kind of like asking a woman's age, or even worse, taking a stab and tacking on a few years by mistake. We realize that men are sort of hard-wired to want as many women as they can get, and there's always a prettier, younger one out there. Don't rub it in.

If she's gotten absolutely whopping – and you are, by some miracle, able to broach this subject tactfully – fair play. Even then, if it's not your actual partner, better keep your mouth shut. Commenting on the weight of a friend, acquaintance, or God help you, a stranger will likely get you slapped. And you will deserve it.

It's not like you aren't a fat bastard yourself, you fat bastard ~ Rosino

3) B*tching About Having to Buy Us Stuff

I don't mean joking around about your wife taking all your money or whatever other sh*t you think is funny. If you didn't wanna share with your wife, you wouldn't have gotten married. Besides, your wife probably makes more than you.

No, I'm talking this a**hole sh*t here:

          “Women always expect you to buy them drinks, and then they won't sleep with you.”

          “Women always expect you to buy them dinner, and then they won't sleep with you.”

          “Women always expect you to buy them flowers, and then they won't sleep with you.”

"I pushed the right buttons -- why won't sex come out?!?" ~ Bidgee

Can you notice a common theme here? If you're looking for a prostitute, get one. If you're getting her for the price of a drink, you'd better wear two condoms.

This is a foot, but you get the idea.

Yeah, we do expect you to buy us stuff, and peahens expect peacocks to flash feathers. If you can't pay for a few dates, then you'll probably bicker over every goddamn purchase until you drive us stark raving mad. Even worse, you might be a deadbeat. Nobody likes a deadbeat.

4) Bragging About Having F&cked Us

What ever happened to “A gentleman never tells”? Oh, right, you're not a gentleman.

Too many guys act like they've put one over on a woman by sleeping with her. Trust me, buddy, you don't have Jedi mind powers. They call it “getting lucky” for a reason.

Women can be keen on keeping their private lives private, because of that whole “men are studs/women are sluts” double-standard thing we've got to live with. It's a little bit harder to navigate from the other side. We don't need all your buddies playing grab-ass because they suddenly think we're fair game.

Then again, we could always tell all of our friends you've got a tiny d*ck. Then you'll never get laid again.

"He was hung like a lightswitch you guys, it was sad." ~ Funpika


  1. On #1; Oh yes you do. :P
    On #2; I like my women curvy. So, no problem there.
    On #3; I quit buying dinners for women the day I realized it was a manipulation ploy. I've had more ass than a toilet seat, ever since. Yeah. It's like that guys. Don't be bitter.
    On #4 We're in total fucking agreement.

  2. #1 ~ I like kittens, too, but I wouldn't want to birth a litter.

    #2 ~ Good for you.

    #3 ~ Buy or don't buy, but don't buy and then b*tch about it. Bad form.

    #4 ~ Your agreement is encouraging. If you're not careful, you might just restore some of my faith in mankind.

  3. Right on the money, as usual...and please, please don't have your faith restored, otherwise your writing will lose all its edge! ;)


  4. Don't worry, I already promised D I'd leave in the snark. It took me almost 30 years to find my niche, I'm not backing out now.

  5. That's right... Mama always said to do what you do best. Even better if you can make a living out of it, no matter what it is. ;-)

  6. Mamas usually know best. Thanks for commenting! :)

  7. I like this. And I am guilty of probably . . . all of this.


  8. Oh Paulie, I wuvs ooo. Shine on you crazy diamond!

  9. You're going to have to write a whole book. It would probably be easier to just focus on the smart things men do.

    hahahah...never mind.

  10. These problems started when any sense of chivalry whatsoever perished. The bad thing with that is the fact that when chivalry was "in", women were still overwhelmingly regarded as some sort of property. As a result, some men look at their girl as some sort of investment to this day, a money pit if you will. If we could keep the former (chivalry) and do away with the latter (irresponsible, disrespectful selfishness) wouldn't life be grand?

    Spare the replies about women's equality with regard to female deference - my wife makes more money than I do and I'm stoked about it.

    Nice post!

  11. @Christina ~ I am totally going to write a whole book. I need to get crackin' on that. Momma needs a new pair of...uh...socks, I guess, since they're cheap.

    @21st Century Skeptic ~ I've gotten a lot of "But I know WOMEN who do some of these things TOO!!" comments from people who seem to think they have stumbled upon some obscure and enlightened truth.

    Sure, but when women do them it's received in an entirely different manner, because of the -- let's say it together, kids -- doub-le stan-dard. And women, in general, seem a lot less likely to just chuckle condescendingly when you express your disagreement, whether calmly or not.

    That said, I've never heard a woman say "I bought him X and now he won't sleep with me." I have, however, heard women say things like, "Well, I always paid for the dates and now I can't even get rent out of him!" Hence, my point, and yours. Equality is great and all, but some people apparently use it as an excuse to be a**holes. It's not so much about chivalry and gender roles, anymore -- it's about showing a woman that you've got what it takes to be a valuable addition to her life.

    Anyway, I'm rambling on. Glad you liked the post, and thanks for commenting!

  12. Ha. You go girl! And don't forget the way they lie about everything to avoid conflict. Though I think you mentioned this once before... anyway, I have nothing more to say. You're spot on. ;)

  13. No, I'm pretty sure I *haven't* mentioned the "lie about everything to avoid conflict" bit yet...but I was planning to include it in a future post! LOL

  14. I would absolutely love to do a sarcastic point/counterpoint with you on the men vs. women thing. That being said, I love womankind. Very well written.

  15. That doesn't sound like such a bad idea actually, I might take you up on that someday. Glad you liked that post.

  16. A really smart man would just offer to clean your house and / or just give you a new thing of nutella and he'd have you in the sack just like 'snap'. ha ha

  17. @Bob You have clearly mastered the ways of the woman, or you wouldn't be snogging a hottie in your profile pic. ;)