Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Top 10 Causes of My Own Eventual Death

Naturally, I don't want to die. I want to stay alive as long as possible. It's one of my life goals. The most important one, in fact.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, or so they say. Unfortunately, no matter how strong you are, one day something's going to kill you. Someday, someone will fill in the blanks in my epitaph with one of these:

10) A Blogging-About-Your-Own-Death Jinx

While this possibility goes against all logic and reason, I feel I'd be a fool if I didn't acknowledge it here.

9) A Tropical Disease, Probably Involving a Blood Parasite

I've avoided the tropics all my life. I am sufficiently afraid of both tropical diseases and the sea to go on avoiding it indefinitely. I might go once, just to say I did, because I know I'm the only crazy b&tch in the world to suffer panic attacks at the thought of sun-kissed sand. So, it might seem really, really unlikely that I'd succumb to Chaga's disease or malaria or Dengue fever or some as-yet-unnamed affliction that causes the eyes to melt right out of the head. But, climate change, you know.

Is it just me, or is it hot out here? -- Tambako the Jaguar

8) Food Poisoning

Most people say, “When in doubt, throw it out,” but I'm more of a “Challenge Accepted” type. I cut the mold off the cheese and eat it anyway. Go ahead and kill me, mold, if you think you're rough enough.

Don't be a p*ssy, dude, it's not that green. -- trekkyandy

7) Plane Crash

I know that, statistically, you're more likely to die in a car crash than a plane crash. It's probably true, cause just look at all the idiots with driver's licenses.

But that just pushes “car crash” higher up the list. I still can't get into a plane without thinking, “If this thing crashes, I'm probably fucked.”

In case of a loss of cabin-pressure, snakes will fall out of the overhead compartment, apparently. -- KidMoxie

6) Heart Attack

Cause I like bacon, cheeseburgers, and fries. I'd happily cram some fries into my cheeseburger, wrap it in bacon, fry it again, and eat it like that. Fried food is my mothernuckin' soulmate. Okra, catfish, hush puppies, chicken, tomatoes, mushrooms, potato cakes, eggs. Sausage. Mmmmm. I'd eat a friggin' rat if it was battered in cornmeal and deep-fried in lard.

Not really. -- Inge Habex

5) Skin Cancer

I like to sunbathe, not out of vanity, but because I was raised by cats. Even with sunblock, that's really not safe. I have a lot of moles, too. Sometimes, in the night, I can hear them whispering to each other.

4) Car Crash

Yep, here it is. Right here. Good old number three.

3) Hit by a Bus

Because I wouldn't see it coming, ha ha ha.

No, seriously though, sometimes I just space out and step into traffic. Once, in Amsterdam, I stepped in between five bicycles and a scooter.

Like this.

An old Dutch lady grabbed my arm and yanked me back from the jaws of Death. She muttered something at me and then sighed heavily. I don't speak Dutch, but I think I understood.

2) An Hereditary Disease

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

1) Lung Cancer

If I live long enough, it'll get me in the end. Unless I quit smoking.

Not bloody likely.


  1. 10) Cancer. Not terribly likely now that I eat all my antioxidants and have cut out most of my bad habits.

    9) Aorta explodes. Sometimes when I'm working out, I feel that fucker pulsating, and I get concerned.

    8) Space out, walk into traffic. I do it too.

    7) Forget I can't breathe water. This happens more often than I'd like to admit.

    6) Carried out to sea by a riptide. Again, this happens more often than I'd like to admit.

    5) Car crash. I really am a shitty driver.

    4) Angry person with weapon. I'm so laid back that someone can be right up in my face screaming at me and I don't give a shit. This will carry on up until someone just kills my ass.

    3) Random Tropical Disease Not Otherwise Specified: with so many emerging diseases, there has to be one that will get me.

    2) Epic Fail While Exercising. Can be any one of a number of things-- up on the rope, fall down-go boom; mishandling weight; so on, so forth.

    1) Old age. Because that would be just my friggin' luck. I really don't want to live past, say, eh... I'm okay dying between 33 and 65. Anything past that, not that interested.

  2. I plan to live forever, or die trying. (Extra points if you can name that literary reference). I forgot about old age! Although I suppose that can really be split up into a number of age-related illnesses. I also forgot to mention sports-related accidents. I can't tell you how many times I've caught an edge snowboarding and landed right on my head. Breaking your neck that way is not unheard of. There's also a chance that the rock-climbing rope could snap.

  3. Oh man, how do you take something so morbid and turn into a hilarious post. Also, if you can hear those moles talking to you, I think you've missed something from the list.

    You know, I think our either our weakness or our fears get us in the end. Because whatever forces are out there find it hilarious. I'd either be run over by a train or absent-mindedly fall into a manhole. Because I am distracted as hell.

    Or you know... the hereditary thing. <_<

  4. My friends and acquaintances have now been casually surveyed -- by which I mean, they've read the post and chimed in with their unsolicited opinions. They all seem to think that I will die accidentally, somehow. In my own defense, there are several accidental CODs up there.

    In other news, the Blogger's Curse hasn't caught up with me yet. Woo hoo!

  5. Fried Rat? I wonder if you just solved the rodent
    Problem in NYC?
    Great post!

  6. LOL!!

    Glad you liked it, thanks for commenting! :)