Friday, June 24, 2011

I Hate Cosmo

A Mother Life
I don't read women's magazines. You know, things like Marie Claire, or Cosmopolitan, or Redbook or whatever. I'm not saying they're always completely full of sh*t, but it seems to work out that way more often than not. If I'm lucky, there might be one article of real substance, and the rest of it is beauty advice, celebrity interviews, horoscopes and skinny girls with oversized mouths. The girls in these photos always stand around knock-kneed like they haven't quite learned to use their legs yet, or something. And their boyfriends seem to like to wear makeup.

I don't care about celebrity interviews or celebrities in general. I don't need to hear their opinion and I don't care if they're regular people, too. It's not out of malice or jealousy or anything like that. I just don't give a f*ck.

Not a single one. -- dominiqs

I'm perfectly happy to watch a film without knowing every grisly detail of the actors' lives. Knowing too much kinda takes me out of the story. I sit there thinking, "Oh, that's the girl who married So-and-So but cheated with What's His Name and eventually wound up with That Other Guy...before she declared herself Queen of the Desert and ran off barefoot, carrying a spear." I can only concentrate on so many things at once.

The sex tips range from boring, to bizarre, to kinda dangerous. I wouldn't be surprised if they suggested dousing it in hot sauce for an extra kick. Once, they advised me to wrap a necktie around it. As if it's going to a job interview or something.

So many choices... -- Deror Avi

I don't need help achieving orgasm, thank you, and no, actually, I've never wondered what he's thinking after sex. I was, in fact, already aware that it's bad manners to get drunk on a first date.

Not that I've never been tempted. -- Ed Bierman

If it were just all that, I'd merely lack interest. The thing that makes me hate these magazines is, they make me feel bad about myself. I start out feeling perfectly confident, but by the time I finish, I'm riddled with self-doubt. My clothes are all wrong. My hair looks like shit. I need more makeup. Some part of me is almost certainly fat. I am a failure as a woman.

Accessorize?! F*ck, that means like, jewelry and sh*t, right? Ok, I'll wear earrings. Maybe some eyeshadow, since I'm feeling inspired.

Still not good enough? Fuck off, Cosmo, I'm not reading you anymore.


  1. Totally agreed. Anyway, if I want to feel bad about myself, there's always TV, my Mom, and the neighbors.

  2. I stopped reading Cosmo, etc a few years ago for the exact same reasons you stated. I also went without cable for a few years and only watched Netflix. I only watched what I wanted to watch with no commercials. I was shocked at how much better I felt about myself, others, and the world around me. Awesome post!!

  3. @Robin I can find plenty of reasons to feel bad about myself without even asking anyone. So, why spend the money?

    @Katie Trouble is, the further I remove myself from pop culture, the harder it is to find things to ridicule.

  4. Oooh, but Cosmo! Nah, I'm not a crazy fan myself but I do enjoy the mags from time to time. I'll agree with you on the sex tips and --LOL! -- yeah, it's not a JOB interview, but the first time is a kind of an interview. :P Though you wouldn't experiment on the first date would you? Hah, this gives me lots to think about, lol.

  5. I haaaaaaaaate knowing too much about someone. You're completely right, it's all I see/hear/think about when I see them in something.

  6. @Lyn Experiment on the first date? That there going to be a second date? ;)

    @K.D. I honestly prefer little-known actors cause I can totally fool myself into thinking it's just some random person.

  7. Oh, this is great. And my favorite part are those damned cosmo feels like I'm standing in a prison line waiting to see what color shirt I will be issued, which will dictate how hard I will have to work to impress, and how much training I'm going to need. Those mags really don't do much for women's self confidence, you are right about that.

  8. OMG I totally forgot to mention the quizzes! Who needs a professional counselor when there are magazine quizzes in this world?

  9. I just want to say -YOU ARE HILARIOUS! It was like you read my mind in this blog post! That is exactly how I feel when I read Cosmo-inadequate.
    PS: But that isn't exactly going to keep me from picking up the next issue anyways lol!

  10. Thanks, glad you liked it. :)

    I think you can balance out the self-esteem-lowering effects of Cosmo exposure by watching a little Jerry Springer ;)