Saturday, May 14, 2011

What I'm Thinking as I Read My Horoscope

You might have thought of me as a reasonable, logical person, and not the sort to go around believing in superstitions, but no, I read my horoscope each and every day. Or at least I used to, until I finally just got sick of it. Here's what I'm talking about:

Today, something will happen.”

Something? Does that mean one thing? Actually, I was hoping for several things. I got up early.

If you're single, sparks will fly.”

Shut up, horoscope, you know they won't. Stop taunting me.

The first step to success is visualizing your success.”

Um, really? Is this a motivational seminar? Does this stuff really work? I wouldn't say I've enjoyed a phenomenal degree of success, but I wouldn't say I was an abject failure, either.

Well, sometimes I would. -- Sander van der Wel

I've succeeded a few times before, and I've found it mostly takes either hard work or good luck or, preferably, both. I've never really bothered with “visualizing” anything. Most of the time I'm going for something that's so far out, I can't even see it. How can I visualize something I can't see? And how limited would I be if I only went for things I could visualize? Your argument is invalid.

You'll be so organized today, you'll get everything done ahead of schedule.”

Again with the taunting.

Make time to relax at home this evening – you'll feel like nesting.”

Ok, I'm not a bird. If I tried to fly, it would hurt. Even if I had a parachute or something, I've got this inner ear condition. I'd get soooo nauseated. Have you ever seen a bird puke in mid-flight?

Have you ever seen a bird puke at all? -- Hans Hillewaert

If something is weighing on your mind today, don't be afraid to reach out to family and friends.”

Thanks for the life advice, horoscope, but that wasn't really what I was looking for.

You may wish for more peace and quiet than you can attain today, Virgo.”

I hate it when you address me by my sun sign as if it were my name, horoscope. It sort of pulls me out of the  narrative of the thing, and I wind up remembering that you're trying to apply yourself to millions of inherently unique situations, and therefore can't apply to even one.

Screw you, I'm going back to the palm reader.


  1. Love this! Especially the success visualization and calling the sun signs! By the way, Virgo, Capricorn turned Sagitarius (wtf?) speaking, thanks for invalidating!

  2. I'm a taurus, which is pretty legit cause we get the term "rogering" from bulls.


    I like the quotes under the pictures. Ah lotz. They're like the secret special bonus hover text in Dinosaur Comics.

  3. @WVGlitter Thanks for reading and commenting! Believe it or not, these quotes actually came from actual horoscopes that I've actually read! I've always thought I'd be really good at writing horoscopes, but apparently you actually have to be A QUALIFIED ASTROLOGER to make this happen. Imagine that cover letter -- "Dear sir, I hold an MA in bullsh*t." Hahahahaha!

    @Paulie Paulieeee! You're back! Great to see you again, buddy! Ha ha, yeah, the captions are the best part. Breaks up the monotony of all that TEXT.

  4. Yeah, I'm back, but not really . . . BACK back. I just get to lurk around blogs and shit, which is pretty cool I guess. I am DE LURKER.

    You have a really good comic voice, you know. It's better than mine.

  5. @Marjorie Thanks for keeping it interesting. I am becoming a huge fan of your work, and I love the cover letter idea!

    @Paulie She is so funny! Highlight of my week when I see new posts!

  6. @Paulie Thanks man. I've always loved to make people laugh. I would've been a stand-up comic, if I didn't suffer from debilitating stage fright.

    @WVGlitter My ego and I are so glad to hear it! Maybe I'll riff on that cover letter idea someday...

  7. Horoscopes are crap, I know this because a close friend used to work at the newspaper and weekly would just mix up the words and post in different months...But still fun to read.
    Thanks for being a Hooker once again :)

    1. I once saw an ad on the freelance job boards looking for someone with a Master's in Astrology to write horoscopes. I could not believe they were for real.