Thursday, May 26, 2011

How Not to Talk to Women

I spend a lot of time in bars, and I meet a lot of men there. Grandma always said, “You'll never meet a decent man in a bar,” but it's not 1948 anymore. I'm a decent person (seriously), and I'm in the bar, so, logically, there ought to be at least one other decent person in there, too, and it might even be a man.

Not to mention, I'm entirely too friendly. I'll talk to anybody for at least ten minutes.

Well, almost anybody. -- Ed Bierman 

I can't hardly stand to be in a room with people I don't know. I just have to meet them, man. It's a compulsion.

And I think I need treatment. -- tylerdurden1

So I spend a lot of time talking to random, strange men in bars, and I use the word “strange” for a reason. I'm beginning to think Grandma might be right. If you're a random, strange bar dude, then I have some tips for you.

1) Don't Tell Me How Beautiful I Am About Umpteen Times

I know this is supposed to be a compliment. I know how to take a compliment. I used to say, “Thanks, I know,” but now I just say “Thanks,” usually.

Much as I love to be praised, it gets a little creepy when it's the same compliment, every five minutes.

“You're so beautiful.”


“You have beautiful eyes.”


“Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?”

“I believe you have, yes.”

How am I supposed to react to this? Someone has finally noticed my beauty! Should I stammer out my thanks? Should I swoon? Cause I thought I was ugly till you showed up. Not.

You sound like a broken record, and I can't even tell you that cause you're not even old enough to remember records. Deliver the compliment once and move on.

Maybe it'd be different if I looked like this, who knows. -- Genista

2) Try to Remember My Name, Or At Least...

...don't let on that you've forgotten it. You can accomplish this by not repeatedly asking, “I'm sorry, what's your name again?” throughout the conversation. You can be really smooth and ask me how to spell it when you put my number in your phone. Except you're not going to get that far, cause you're an idiot.

3) Don't Tell Me Who I Am

Okay, you've just met me, and we've been chatting for maybe half an hour. Why do you need to start labeling me? When you're wrong, it sounds like you're already asking me to adhere to an expectation. I'm not going to be “so quiet and sweet” because that's what you think you like about me.

And I'm not the kind of girl who takes that as a compliment. 

Being right isn't necessarily a good thing, either. One guy told me I was “guarded.” “You're so guarded,” he said, like it was a bad thing.

Of course I'm guarded. I just freaking met you. What do you want, my life story?

Don't act like you have some sort of super-sensitive character-trait-radar. You don't. Act like you're just getting to know me, because you are.

4) Don't Ask Me Why I'm Single

This one sort of applies to everyone in all situations. You probably think it sounds like a compliment when you say, “How could such a beautiful/charming/witty/ostensibly perfect woman such as yourself be single?” But this is what we call a backhanded compliment, or “complisult.” There's an insult hidden in there. Depending on how sensitive I'm feeling at the moment, that insult could be:

  • You have made an unusual and, frankly, unethical life choice.
  • Something must be wrong with you, otherwise you'd have a boyfriend. What's wrong with you?
  • You're gay, aren't you?
  • Tell me what's wrong with you. I honestly can't see it.
  • It can't possibly be me, I'm awesome.
  • You must be too picky.

5) Don't Be Pushy, Creep

If I say I don't want another drink, I don't want another drink. Buying me one anyway is rude. If I want to go, I'll go. You ever hear that saying about, “If you love something, let it go?” Yeah. Don't insist I stay. Don't beg me to stay. And, for the love of God, please don't follow me home.

Unless you really like cops. -- ElvertBarnes

6) Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Don't touch me, and definitely don't kiss me, without asking. Well, at least not the first time; after that, it's sort of implied. If I say no, I say no. Ask again later. Not “later” as in, “five seconds later, repeatedly.” This is not a good idea. It will get you slapped.

7) Don't Insult Me and Call It Flirting

You'd think this one would be a no-brainer, but I understand there are guys out there telling other guys that women get all tingly when you put them down. Some women do. A lot of women hear a guy insulting them and think to themselves, “Damn, no one's that much of an asshole – he must be joking.” And then they laugh. That's how it works.

A little light-hearted teasing is one thing. But if teasing is all you're going to do, you're bound to start pissing women off. You probably have a crap sense of humor, anyway, and you're probably going to insult my appearance, family, background, profession, or other thing close to my heart. Maybe you should stop experimenting altogether.

If you're not experimenting, but just doing what you normally do, then I'm afraid you are an asshole.

We all have a cross to bear. -- Tavallai

8) If I Make a Minor Social Faux Pas, Try Not to Keep Bringing It Up Every Five Minutes

This makes you seem like a lunatic. Quite possibly, the kind of lunatic who will follow me around, watching from a distance through binoculars, to make sure I really am “having lunch with a girlfriend.” Possibly the kind who will publicly denounce me for “dressing like a whore.” Maybe even the kind who will keep on calling me for years after I've left to rehash arguments we had when we were first dating. I don't think I can take that kind of risk.

This is how whores dress, apparently.