Thursday, May 26, 2011

How Not to Talk to Women

I spend a lot of time in bars, and I meet a lot of men there. Grandma always said, “You'll never meet a decent man in a bar,” but it's not 1948 anymore. I'm a decent person (seriously), and I'm in the bar, so, logically, there ought to be at least one other decent person in there, too, and it might even be a man.

Not to mention, I'm entirely too friendly. I'll talk to anybody for at least ten minutes.

Well, almost anybody. -- Ed Bierman 

I can't hardly stand to be in a room with people I don't know. I just have to meet them, man. It's a compulsion.

And I think I need treatment. -- tylerdurden1

So I spend a lot of time talking to random, strange men in bars, and I use the word “strange” for a reason. I'm beginning to think Grandma might be right. If you're a random, strange bar dude, then I have some tips for you.

1) Don't Tell Me How Beautiful I Am About Umpteen Times

I know this is supposed to be a compliment. I know how to take a compliment. I used to say, “Thanks, I know,” but now I just say “Thanks,” usually.

Much as I love to be praised, it gets a little creepy when it's the same compliment, every five minutes.

“You're so beautiful.”


“You have beautiful eyes.”


“Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?”

“I believe you have, yes.”

How am I supposed to react to this? Someone has finally noticed my beauty! Should I stammer out my thanks? Should I swoon? Cause I thought I was ugly till you showed up. Not.

You sound like a broken record, and I can't even tell you that cause you're not even old enough to remember records. Deliver the compliment once and move on.

Maybe it'd be different if I looked like this, who knows. -- Genista

2) Try to Remember My Name, Or At Least...

...don't let on that you've forgotten it. You can accomplish this by not repeatedly asking, “I'm sorry, what's your name again?” throughout the conversation. You can be really smooth and ask me how to spell it when you put my number in your phone. Except you're not going to get that far, cause you're an idiot.

3) Don't Tell Me Who I Am

Okay, you've just met me, and we've been chatting for maybe half an hour. Why do you need to start labeling me? When you're wrong, it sounds like you're already asking me to adhere to an expectation. I'm not going to be “so quiet and sweet” because that's what you think you like about me.

And I'm not the kind of girl who takes that as a compliment. 

Being right isn't necessarily a good thing, either. One guy told me I was “guarded.” “You're so guarded,” he said, like it was a bad thing.

Of course I'm guarded. I just freaking met you. What do you want, my life story?

Don't act like you have some sort of super-sensitive character-trait-radar. You don't. Act like you're just getting to know me, because you are.

4) Don't Ask Me Why I'm Single

This one sort of applies to everyone in all situations. You probably think it sounds like a compliment when you say, “How could such a beautiful/charming/witty/ostensibly perfect woman such as yourself be single?” But this is what we call a backhanded compliment, or “complisult.” There's an insult hidden in there. Depending on how sensitive I'm feeling at the moment, that insult could be:

  • You have made an unusual and, frankly, unethical life choice.
  • Something must be wrong with you, otherwise you'd have a boyfriend. What's wrong with you?
  • You're gay, aren't you?
  • Tell me what's wrong with you. I honestly can't see it.
  • It can't possibly be me, I'm awesome.
  • You must be too picky.

5) Don't Be Pushy, Creep

If I say I don't want another drink, I don't want another drink. Buying me one anyway is rude. If I want to go, I'll go. You ever hear that saying about, “If you love something, let it go?” Yeah. Don't insist I stay. Don't beg me to stay. And, for the love of God, please don't follow me home.

Unless you really like cops. -- ElvertBarnes

6) Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Don't touch me, and definitely don't kiss me, without asking. Well, at least not the first time; after that, it's sort of implied. If I say no, I say no. Ask again later. Not “later” as in, “five seconds later, repeatedly.” This is not a good idea. It will get you slapped.

7) Don't Insult Me and Call It Flirting

You'd think this one would be a no-brainer, but I understand there are guys out there telling other guys that women get all tingly when you put them down. Some women do. A lot of women hear a guy insulting them and think to themselves, “Damn, no one's that much of an asshole – he must be joking.” And then they laugh. That's how it works.

A little light-hearted teasing is one thing. But if teasing is all you're going to do, you're bound to start pissing women off. You probably have a crap sense of humor, anyway, and you're probably going to insult my appearance, family, background, profession, or other thing close to my heart. Maybe you should stop experimenting altogether.

If you're not experimenting, but just doing what you normally do, then I'm afraid you are an asshole.

We all have a cross to bear. -- Tavallai

8) If I Make a Minor Social Faux Pas, Try Not to Keep Bringing It Up Every Five Minutes

This makes you seem like a lunatic. Quite possibly, the kind of lunatic who will follow me around, watching from a distance through binoculars, to make sure I really am “having lunch with a girlfriend.” Possibly the kind who will publicly denounce me for “dressing like a whore.” Maybe even the kind who will keep on calling me for years after I've left to rehash arguments we had when we were first dating. I don't think I can take that kind of risk.

This is how whores dress, apparently.

Monday, May 23, 2011

5 Expressions I Can't Stand

5) “The Exception that Proves the Rule”

This one makes absolutely no sense. If there's a rule, then how can there be an exception? If there's an exception, it's not a rule. You always fall back on this when someone knocks apart your generalizations and you need to backpedal. It probably made sense, in, like, 1592, when all of those words had totally different meanings. Now, we're just dragging it out to save face. No one seems to notice that it doesn't actually mean anything.

The Maginot Line worked great! Except for that one time... -- U.S. Signal Corps

4) “You Can't Judge a Book by Its Cover”

Yes, you can. Book covers are designed with this very purpose in mind. Most book covers even include a written description of what's inside the book – so you can judge it.

I know, I know – we're talking about people, not books. I'm not saying you should judge someone by their skin color or their hairstyle or the number of knife wounds they have received. But most people try to present themselves a certain way, and this is commonly acknowledged as a form of self-expression.

His hat says, "I'm a sensitive person with noble ambitions." -- Ed Bierman

3) “The Proof is in the Pudding”

I hear a lot of people complaining about this one. “I never understood that expression,” people say. “It makes no sense,” people say. Of course it makes no sense – you're doing it wrong.

The real expression is supposed to be “The proof of the pudding is in the eating.” Somebody somewhere got confused, and now we have a monster.

2) “The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side of the Fence”

No. The grass is always greener over the septic tank. Anyone with eyes in his head can see that.

Don't go over there, you'll regret it. -- Pink Sherbet Photography

1) “You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too”

So what's the point of having cake if you're not allowed to eat it? What are you going to do with it, if you're not going to eat it? Have it bronzed?

Use it to taunt orphans? -- Mochatern

One of my good friends, Smarty McSmartass, pointed out that, “Well, if you eat the cake, you don't have it anymore.” Au contraire, my smartass friend. If you eat the cake, it becomes a part of you, and then you have it forever. You Are What You Eat, right?

So just eat the friggin' thing already. -- MShades

Friday, May 20, 2011

Rapture tomorrow, don't forget your helmets

Ok, so, yeah. Some of you know that I recently blogged about the 2012 predictions, and how completely unfounded they are. But, you know, some fundamentalist Christians have pointed out that Judgment Day is actually slated for May 21, 2011, otherwise known as “tomorrow.” Apparently, tomorrow is the 7,000th anniversary of The Day Noah Filled the Ark (aka The Day the Unicorns Died). I'm not sure how they figured that out. They must have used the Holy Abacus or something.

"Oh Holy Abacus, guide us in the way of the True Calculations." -- Thomas Claveirole

It's also Zombie Awareness Month this month, which might be pretty fitting, since Jesus Christ is supposed to raise the dead for the final Judgment, right? Only, it's already tomorrow in Australia, so He must be headed there right now. I hope He makes a show of it, with trumpets and angels and splitting-of-Heavens and stuff. If He just pops up on a street corner all quiet like, people are going to take Him for one of those white-robe guru types like you see in California.

This guy could be Christ, for all we know. -- Richard Moncada

It's not the end of the world, of course, it's just the beginning of Armageddon. Those of us who aren't raptured (that is, pretty much everyone) will live through the Apocalypse, which apparently involves a lot of famine, floods, plagues, seas of blood, birds falling from the sky, and scourges of locusts.

Locusts? Really? What is this, 65 BC? -- FredB

This will continue until the End of All Things, scheduled for October 21. Because, for some reason, an Armageddon takes exactly five months. I'm not sure how they figured that out...

...must have been the Holy Abacus again.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

What I'm Thinking as I Read My Horoscope

You might have thought of me as a reasonable, logical person, and not the sort to go around believing in superstitions, but no, I read my horoscope each and every day. Or at least I used to, until I finally just got sick of it. Here's what I'm talking about:

Today, something will happen.”

Something? Does that mean one thing? Actually, I was hoping for several things. I got up early.

If you're single, sparks will fly.”

Shut up, horoscope, you know they won't. Stop taunting me.

The first step to success is visualizing your success.”

Um, really? Is this a motivational seminar? Does this stuff really work? I wouldn't say I've enjoyed a phenomenal degree of success, but I wouldn't say I was an abject failure, either.

Well, sometimes I would. -- Sander van der Wel

I've succeeded a few times before, and I've found it mostly takes either hard work or good luck or, preferably, both. I've never really bothered with “visualizing” anything. Most of the time I'm going for something that's so far out, I can't even see it. How can I visualize something I can't see? And how limited would I be if I only went for things I could visualize? Your argument is invalid.

You'll be so organized today, you'll get everything done ahead of schedule.”

Again with the taunting.

Make time to relax at home this evening – you'll feel like nesting.”

Ok, I'm not a bird. If I tried to fly, it would hurt. Even if I had a parachute or something, I've got this inner ear condition. I'd get soooo nauseated. Have you ever seen a bird puke in mid-flight?

Have you ever seen a bird puke at all? -- Hans Hillewaert

If something is weighing on your mind today, don't be afraid to reach out to family and friends.”

Thanks for the life advice, horoscope, but that wasn't really what I was looking for.

You may wish for more peace and quiet than you can attain today, Virgo.”

I hate it when you address me by my sun sign as if it were my name, horoscope. It sort of pulls me out of the  narrative of the thing, and I wind up remembering that you're trying to apply yourself to millions of inherently unique situations, and therefore can't apply to even one.

Screw you, I'm going back to the palm reader.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Ok, Now You're Just Being Gross

Plenty of people do plenty of things in the name of youth and, presumably, beauty. Facelifts, chemical peels, boob jobs, chopping off a toe or two, okay, fine. Even I use anti-wrinkle cream...though mostly on my hands, because I keep forgetting to buy hand cream.

I have the youngest hands you've ever seen. -- Raphael Quinet

I recently learned about something called “placenta serum.” It's made from the placentae of sheep. No one's telling us how.

But I think I have an idea. -- warrenski

If you rub it on your skin, you'll be sixteen forever. Nutrients, you see. And proteins. Anti-oxidants. Placenta.

You know it works, because ancient mumble mumble secret mumble mumble Romans.

The purpose of placentae is to help those little bitty baby sheep get older, but they'd like to shut me up for saying things like that.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Obama Didn't Kill Bin Laden? Actually, He Kinda Did

So, I've been seeing a lot of THIS posted on Facebook lately:

Let's be clear on this: OBAMA did NOT kill Bin Laden. An American soldier, who Obama just a few weeks ago was debating on whether or not to PAY, did. Obama just happened to be the one in office when our soldiers finally found the SOB and took him out. This is NOT an Obama victory, but an AMERICAN victory!! REPOST IF YOU AGREE!!!

And guess what, kids? I'm really getting sick of it. There are so many things wrong with this, I could barf up my own liver. Let's make a list.

1) The President Leads Our Country's Military

President Obama is the Commander-in-Chief of the U.S. Military. He's in charge of it. He is the highest ranking officer. He gave the order, took the risk. And, as a friend of mine pointed out, if he'd failed, he'd be blamed for that, too.

2) He Does Not, However, Possess Magical Powers

Obama never debated paying soldiers. He was not behind the proposed government shutdown, and he's not behind the budget problem. That's Congress. Congress is responsible for budgets and pretty much everything else. The President may be a powerful man, but he's not Gandalf.

I know we all got used to hating the President during the Bush Years, what with all that “is our children learning” and “Mission Accomplished” sh*t we had to sit through. But honestly, you guys, chill out. The Prez is not all-powerful. He shares power with the Congress and the Supreme Court. Three branches, checks and balances. Basic government. Learn it.

3) Nor is the Post Arbitrarily Assigned

Excuse me? Obama “just happened” to be the one in office? He “just happened” to be there? Was it an accident? Was he confused for a Kennedy? Did he go on a bender and wake up there three days later?

The Secret Service just went, "Meh." -- Marcn

No, he didn't. He won by a landslide 364 electoral votes. Unlike some Presidents I could mention, he got the popular vote, too. “Just happened” to be there, my ass.